I Get Nervous

I confessed some of my wrong doings to Mr. Wonderful. What I thought would cause a HUGE rift in our relationship has brought us even closer together.  Naturally he was angry. I was talking dirty to a friend of his. Never a smart move. But when that friend asked if we could progress to actually cheating on our significant others, I backed down. The realization of potentially hurting Mr. Wonderful kicked in quickly. I’m working on whatever is driving my compulsion. Bottom line, I need to change before I go too far.  Or farther I should say, I HAVE already gone too far.

So Mr. W and I are back on track. We had a long in depth talk. He said he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. But he loves me, and he’s willing to put up with it this once because he loves me. If it happens again, he’ll leave me. Kind of like everybody gets one. So don’t fuck up like that again. Thank GOD for make up sex.

Today is the next big hurdle in our relationship. I am going in a few short hours to meet his mother and step father for dinner. I am very nervous. Especially after acting like a no good ho this past week.  But I am going to pretty up, where nice pants and a nice top, smile, be courteous and hope for the best. I love Mr. Wonderful. While he insists he does not care what his family thinks, I do.

Mr. Wonderful has only brought one other girl home to meet his mother. That was his ex wife. His ex wife who still talks to his mother on a regular basis and has a very close relationship with her. Partially because of the kids, and partially because they get along so well.

Did I mention that I’m incredibly nervous? We’ll see what happens!

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The Three Faces of Jill

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So I have been wondering something about myself for a very long time. Am I replacing my need for pot with a need for sex? Is my sexual behavior becoming compulsive. I am starting to feel out of control. VERY out of control. And with Mr. Wonderful coming so god damn close to being the right guy for me, I find myself acting out more. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I think I need to deal with them in some capacity and may even need to go so far as to say that I may need to seek outside help. I can feel myself slipping. And if I’m not careful I will hurt someone that I love very much.

I don’t know if I would say I’m feel sex addicted as much as I feel a huge sexual compulsion. I use to smoke pot all day long. Mr. Wonderful entered the picture and for the first time in my life, my sex life isn’t fueled by weed. I sleep with him 100% sober and it’s amazing.

A lot of this came to my attention while watching season 2 of Six Feet Under with Mr. Wonderful. There is a character named Brenda that i can very much so relate to. In this season her sex addiction spins out of control. She sleeps with just about anyone who shows an interest, even though she is engaged to be married. Now I have not gone this far! But I have gone far enough to feel bad and feel as though I am leading a double life. With my boyfriend things are perfect. When I am at home I feel like a caged animal trying to prowl.

But the problem remains as I smoke less, I crave more. No matter how much happens between us it never seems to be enough. I am always wanting. Last week I literally had a half hour orgasm with Mr. W. I stopped there because I was tired and dehydrated.  But even when we stopped my body wanted to continue. I could feel myself still throbbing and wanting to go on.  Yesterday I masturbated and not even ten minutes later I was online talking dirty to my boyfriend and wanting more. Last night things got so bad I found myself locking myself in my room, trying to stay in control of myself. I found myself online talking to someone I shouldn’t have. I thought about Mr. Wonderful and stopped for a while.

I spent the rest of my night talking to Claudia about my compulsion. She took a very calm and logical approach to what I was saying and kind of talked me down.  I confided everything in her. I told her about everything I had been doing, my feelings, how it all never seems to stop. It felt really good to get a lot of that off of my chest. But the sad thing was, even while I was talking to her, I was still thinking about sex. Sex with her! Luckily doing something like that is not crossing a line within my relationship. It leaves me feeling less guilty.

Today will be a true test. I will be home alone all night long. I have no one to talk to or hang out with. Nothing to really distract me. And no pot until my roommate comes home late tonight. It will be very very hard for me to keep myself in check.

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Domestication Procrastination

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Mr. Wonderful and I have been in full on domestication mode this week. I have spent all but one day this week at home with him. He goes off to work in the morning, while I take care of errands, chores, and my own work. When he gets home in the evening I make us dinner and we sit and enjoy our time together. Our relationship feels incredibly strong. What I thought would be a week of arguments has been a week of as close to couple bliss as I have ever been.

We did have an itty bitty argument. It was my fault. I recently came down with a cold that has made me feel just awful. At the peak of feeling crappy I had to finish making dinner for Mr. W and the Smoker. It started to be too much. So rather than asking for Mr. W’s help, I lashed out and came close to full on tantrum. But we talked, and all is well. Except for me with this cold.

Aside from happy happy joy joy, I did have two events today that felt rather extraordinary. 1) I heard from Jonny for a second time. 2) I talked to my Dad for the first time in a year.

Jonny IMed me again while I was killing time on Facebook while W and S watched some sort of video game preview. I jumped up and went into a better lit room. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me for a second time.  He told me our old friend Johnson just became a Dad. He was there to visit the baby. When Jonny and I were together we use to call him The Children’s Crusader. He loved kids. He was like a natural advocate for them.  So it seemed so natural for him to want to be with Johnson during this time.  He also told me he was living at home again and he was happy to know that I was living not 10 minutes away from him. Odd after all this time, we’re only 10 minutes apart. We talked about my grandfather’s sickness. We talked. Then in typical Jonny fashion, he just off and disappeared. I hope we continue to talk. I miss him. He was a shitty boyfriend, but an amazing friend and kindred spirit.

Not too long after Jonny stabbed another hole in my heart, my Dad called. We had a short but good talk. I’m going to stop in and see him next week. We talked about my sisters. He informed that he is now working with DCF to try and get custody of my sister T’s kids. She is living in a shelter and if for some reason she gets tossed out, they will take the kids away. But so long as they have a roof over their heads nothing can happen. My Dad was a horrible father to me and T. But now he has really turned it around. Those kids belong with him.

Talking to my Dad always feels like the right thing to do. But there is something inside of me that still feels estranged. I didn’t know him for 16 years. I tracked him down when I was a teenager and left him a message on his answering machine “Hi Rick, my name is Jill. I am your daughter. I don’t know if you know about me but I’d like to get to know you. Thanks, bye.”  Meeting my father was a huge defining moment in my life. But for some reason, I always pull away. I let him love me and get to know me and then I just run.

It’s funny this is the same thing I do with the men I love. Poor Mr. Wonderful. He has no idea how many times I have left his embrace to go and freak out. Things feel so good and right with him. I think this might be THE guy. But I just can’t get out of the protect myself fuck and run mentality.

My idea is for me to see my Dad. Talk with him, as I made a date to see him next week. But not do the nice chit chat talk like I always do. Let the fucking flood gates open and let him know who I really am. Dad I smoke pot, Dad I have agoraphobia, Dad I never got over how you ignored me for so long, and when I ignore you, it’s out of spite and fear of rejection. I don’t talk to you when things are going wrong because I don’t want you to be ashamed.

Gotta get over the running away thing. Maybe then I will finally be ready to tell Mr. Wonderful, hey I got this. I’m tired of running. I’m ready to just be me and you. I’m ready to tell you I want to get married. I’m ready to admit that I want to have a baby and that I love your children and want to make a family of our own with them. I’m ready to let down my guard completely. And I will stop questioning whether I’m making a mistake. I’m just ready.

We’ll see…

Me and Charles Manson Like the Same Ice Cream

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SO my last post seemed to piss off to of my closest friends. My original plans for this past weekend was to meet my friend Claudia in the city and go to an art opening and a garden party.  I picked up this super cute gray dress to wear and was packed and ready to go. Drama ensued with my old roommate Charlie, as the law had finally caught up with him. He had a warrant for his arrest and had been trying to lay low. But after too much of the old drink at some bachelor party, Charlie decided to sleep in his car. Sure enough a cop came by and ran his plates, saw the warrant, and Charlie sat his ass in jail for two days.

Cut to Jill, The Smoker is picking up his paycheck and we’re running errands. I’m about an hour from jumping on the train to party the weekend away with Claudia. My hair and make up is done, my dress is on. Charlie calls, all plans are out the window. I neglected to mention any of this in my last post. It was irrelevant at the moment of writing. However, Claudia is a pretty regular reader of my blog, saw this, and took it as me blowing her off to go drink with other friends.

I did drink with other friends. BUT I did that because at that point I was frustrated that I was all dressed up with nowhere to go. And then I set off for Troubleville.

Claudia is in a very self help stage of her life right now. Her husband and she are separated. So she has been using this time to make herself more assertive and work on things.. All of this I applaud. I however was kind of surprised when her assertion turned an accusing finger to me. Her email to me was long, angry and hurtful. The gist I got from it was:

Dear Jill,

You are a liar. You aren’t there when I need you. You disappoint me. Oh and agoraphobia, fuck you! Hope you’re not mad.

Love, Claudia

Granted, this is NOT what it said. But that is what it really felt like it said. This triggered something in me that both hurt and infuriated me. How hard have I worked to get past all of my problems with agoraphobia? Has anyone noticed that I actually leave the house now? That I’m not afraid of every fucking step I take outside of my own door. That I talk to both my friends and family now. That I am nowhere near as closed off as I was. And disappointment, okay let’s talk about that. I am disappointed too. I am disappointed that this is what people think of me. That I come off as this dishonest. And what about my huge amounts of disappointment. I was homeless for almost a year. NO ONE asked me if I was ok, or offered help of any kind – even emotionally. Everyone was so caught up in their own lives no one heard me asking for help. What about when I couldn’t walk? When my Ex bashed my head into a wall and it left me physically and mentally destroyed. Not one of my friends or family came to help me. Except the Smoker – who literally nursed me. So I don’t want to hear one word about how I am a bad friend, when the way I see it, you’re all plenty bad yourselves.

Deep cleansing breaths.

I think a lot of this is hurt talking. I think I still need some time to figure out what to say next. I made bad move after I read Claudia’s email by immediately firing one off back to her. It was written completely out of anger. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have processed it more.

I’m sure everything will be fine soon enough. I made some mistakes with Claudia over the years, but I still love her very much. In a way this almost feels like a break up. I’m sure we’ll work through it. My voice needs to be heard as well I just need to find the words.

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Done Fucked Up Again

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The time says 5:38 in the morning when I look at the clock by the bed. I have woken up because the acid going up and down my throat is so strong it literally burns me awake. I am lying face down and am trying to shake the fuzzy feeling from my head. I remember now – I don’t have a clock beside my bed…

Mr. Wonderful? Where are we?

Mr. Wonderful doesn’t answer, but The Smoker does. “What?” he says confused. “We’re at the Econo Lodge.”

I get up and go to the bathroom. It’s completely torn apart. I’m wearing The Smoker’s polo shirt as a night gown. I look at the sink and have a flash of me running around with the hotel provided shower cap on my head screaming about how it was how I beamed down sobriety. Ugh, I still tatse acid…. and pizza.

So apparently the legend goes like this. The Smoker and I start our well we might as well go out since you cancelled your plans journey by picking up Mr. Wonderful from work and bringing him home. We plan while we are there.  From Mr. Wonderful’s we stop home. I change and put down my bag I was going to bring to Claudia’s. We pick up some pot from a nice young fellow who lives near by. Then randomly pick a direction to head into looking for dinner options.

We end up at a Bertucci’s around 9:30. I order an Appletini and a salad. We share a chicken margarita pizza. I have another Appletini and then I am drunk! This was mistake number one.

The Smoker decides our mission is to get me as loaded as possible. He plies me with more Appletini’s. Then we drive to a different destination, TGI Friday’s happy hour. Dessert and booze for everyone! In the midst of my loud laughter and choco madness I meet a cute girl named Shana. Shana likes to wear black framed glasses, pony tails and dresses. She is half Japanese and half Polish. She love unicorns, Justin Beiber, and big ass Margaritas. I don’t remember much of our conversation except that we both agreed Elvis Costello is kind of hot as an old crooner. Turns out we had some friends in common. Turns out we were kinda vibing. I kissed her. She kissed me. Boobs were felt up, lips were licked and sucked on.

A discussion was had. We should all go get a room. A thinly veiled because we are too drunk to drive is thrown out. Really it’s so this girl and I can roll around and fuck each other. The Smoker leaves to go get us a room at the Econo Lodge since it’s close. Shana and I chat and drink. I remember saying this feels weird. The Smoker reappears in no time saying we’re good to go. My heart races and I panic. I’m thinking about Mr. Wonderful who is sitting at home with his two sons. I start thinking how I should be home with him. I start shaking and crying. I can’t do this, I’m sorry…

What I remember next is sketchy at best. Shana is disappointed and leaves with her friends she’d come with. The Smoker puts me in the car. I remember eating left over pizza. Screaming in the lobby because the room key they gave us was for a room that was already occupied. New room, watching T2 on TNT. Smoking weed, acting crazy. At some point I think I was naked and upset that I had no jammies. Which I think is how I ended up in The Smoker’s shirt. Almost vomitting, then passing out.

So it took until 9:30 for me to function enough to leave the hotel room. I felt incredibly sleazy and gross walking out of there. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong. While I don’t care to admit this, I am not entirely sure what The Smoker’s intentions were. I also am not entirely sure he didn’t do anything to me once I’d passed out. He says nothing happened. But I can’t shake this feeling like it did… and I just don’t remember.

I told Mr. Wonderful first thing this morning. But I was still quasi drunk and cloudy. I feel like a big whore. Suddenly his reading my blog doesn’t even seem to rate with how disgusting I feel about all of this. He handled it all well. Told me it’s ok, he was cool with everything, he loves me. I can honestly say I would not have been that calm about it. I am going to see him tonight or tomorrow with the kids. I think whatever was in me that needed to get out did. Now I feel kind of ready to just hand myself over to Mr. W and stop being so hot and cold about him.

Wait, What Now? Are You?

I know I am going to change my blog here on blogger soon. So Why not end this one with a bang! Boy is it a bang!

I was just contacted by big EX #4 – Jonny.

I am reeling from this. Jonny was the big one. He was the one that meant the most and hurt me the deepest. We had a lot of issues in the year we were together. I just wasn’t strong enough to make it through them. He was my first real love. I literally have spent the past 10 years trying to contact him. He has never once responded.

Jonny was a guy I went to high school with. We had met once when he was dating this girl Rachel I use to hang out with. He played football and did coke, and I didn’t care for him one way or another. Flash to me at age 20. I’m in school for social work. My then roommate Bitchy was dating this guy Johnson. Johnson’s best friend was Jonny. I remember sitting next to him, he handed me some pot and started rambling about world politics. It was that quick with Jonny. One minute we were chatting the next minute I was crazy about this guy. Eventually we found ourselves intertwined.

There was one GIANT problem in this crazy perfect love affair we were having. Jonny was completely unable to fool around with me. He’d say if I was some slut he just wanted to bang, he would have been able to. But because it was me, this girl he saw as innocent and sweet and loved, he just couldn’t. I knew there was something wrong. I didn’t know what.

Jonny and I eventually had the same fights over and over again. Why can’t you touch me? This became why can’t you trust me? Then why can’t you show me love? One night while driving around and talking, listening to music, like we did all the time to be close, he confessed to me the real problem. Through out most of his childhood he had been sexually abused by an uncle. It was violent and awful and it really messed him up. He cried and fell apart when he told me. I did everything I could to help him. He was my first real love. I’d even go as far as saying he was the love of my life. But I couldn’t save him, and I knew that. I did something I have always regretted after he and i split. I don’t know if it was out of the pain, or spite, or just being drunk and 21, but I slept with Jonny’s other best friend Craig. Then I told him I did. He never spoke to me again.

When we split up, it was the hardest break up I’d ever had. It hurt the most out of anyone. We had been so close.  I wanted to fix him some how and I knew he would never be able to have a normal relationship with me. Out of everyone I have ever been in a relationship with, he is the only one that I felt had “gotten away”.  I have tried to consistently contact him for the past 10 years. My last try was on Facebook about 6 or 7 months ago.

Color me shocked to all HELL when Jonny starts chatting with me on Facebook this evening. Out of no where. He tells me he had a breakdown recently. He is in a facility working everything out. He is on 3 different anti-psychotic meds. He’s starting to be ok. He stopped drinking and drugs. Now he is just smoking the occasional pot and taking his meds and getting the help he should have 10 years ago.

I immediately start crying. Wounds reopened. How the fuck? What the fuck? Why, why now?

I don’t know why he would contact me now after all of this time. After all the times I tried.  I’m glad he is ok, or at least finally starting to be. My heart never gave up on him, and I hope that he can finally start getting past some of these demons that he has spent so long fighting. I hope this isn’t the last I hear of him. I think hope is the key word. Jonny you bastard.

Mr. Wonderful Takes a Bow

Betrayal is what I am feeling. I am so angry and frustrated. Mr. Wonderful took a look at this blog. You know the place I come and write down all of the crazy fucked up things going on in my head. Yup, he read my entry about his and my flaws and COMMENTED. And the comment seemed to be focused on one or two things I’d said about sex. See that guy “Randy” well that is Mr. Wonderful. Take your bow Mr. W. And then exit stage left.

So what does this mean. Do I have to change my blog name or location on the web? Can I trust him not to do this again? How do I know that he hasn’t read every entry. HAS HE READ EVERY ENTRY!?! What the fuck Mr. Wonderful! I know you were trying to gain some insight, but this was not the way to go about it.It’s one thing if I say you can read it, another thing if you’re telling me you wouldn’t read and then sneak on and then fucking COMMENT on my own thoughts and feelings!

This all started because last night I got a little too confident and cocky about where things were going between us. I started looking at engagement rings and wedding rings. I am female so sometimes these kind of daydreams come about. I made the mistake of showing him some of this stuff. Awkwardness followed. Maybe I should have never started this whole mess of a conversation in the first place.

Mr. Wonderful, you are now going to be referred to as WTF Dude until I can figure out how I feel on all of this.

Join Me On My Journey To Crazy Bitch Island

Ok, so yesterday’s post had me feeling quasi-invincible in my relationship. I barely spoke to my boyfriend this afternoon and we didn’t spend much time chatting this evening. But when we did I stupidly sent him a link to Etsy showing my ideal engagement ring. Because I am CRAZY! I also showed him snippets of rings I’d picked out for him.

YUP I picked out rings for him.

Welcome to Crazy Bitch Island! My name is Jill and I will be your tour guide through rushing headlong  into a commitment! To your left you will see desperation! Now look closely, desperation is about to turn 31 and her ovaries are shriveling up fast! To your right we see fear and anxiety. Give them a nice round of applause folks! Fear and anxiety fund our little home here on Crazy Bitch Island!

Warning: Please keep all hands and feet away from Fear and Anxiety, as you get closer they will either devour you or run back to their home!

So very quickly after telling him this and him impressing on me that he wouldn’t want to wear a wedding ring and that it was way too soon to be discussing this, I felt the old urges rising. They told me pull up the anchor and RUN!

This is always my problem. I want him because he doesn’t want me as much. This is my pattern. If you love me too much, I lose interest. If you don’t love me enough, I suffer. Mr. W is not wrapped around my finger, so I am dying inside. The second he will start to crave me, I will run.

Crazy Bitch Island has lots of vacancies and time shares, should you think about joining me long term.

The Truth About Me & Mr. Wonderful

Mr. Wonderful seems to be proving himself more and more that he could potentially be my life mate.  But there are a few ugly truths that we still need to continue to face about one another before we decide once and for all if this is going to be as long term as we are both hoping it will be.

Jill in Honesty

I am selfish. I tend to look for men that I can wrap around my finger so that I don’t have to work so hard to get the things I want. I love flirting. I have recently developed a very dangerous sexual appetite that I struggle to stay in control of, I am afraid of cheating on Mr W. I sometimes wonder if our sex life together will be enough for me. (Though we do have an agreement that it is ok for me to sleep with women, so long as my emotional ties stay with Mr. W, and he gets the details on it.) I go through bouts of mental illness. I don’t make enough money to really take care of my self. I can become co-dependent. I can become obsessive. I smoke entirely too much weed. I don’t take care of my health problems. I can be cruel to the men I love.   For the most part I have been working hard to keep these parts of me in balance. I have been successful at this.

I worry about the sex issues Mr. W and I have. For the time being I am satisfied. But I feel as though the passion comes and goes. When he wants me and seduces me it’s amazing. But unfortunately that passion doesn’t come at the frequency my body craves. I hope this will continue to change and grow stronger, as it has been.

Mr. Wonderful Has Flaws Too

Mr. W can be slightly manipulative when he wants something to work out the way he envisions it. He can be obsessive about things to the point of seclusion. He does not get obsessed with me, as I so wish he would. He can get bossy. He can be moody and inconsiderate. When he yells at his kids I want to scoop them up in  my arms and take them out of his sight. He sometimes ignores things that are most important in favor of things that are fun. He is a financial disaster.

Despite all of these things I see in him, I love him. I also know him well enough to know that his flaws aren’t who he is. These are things that come up occasionally.  These are things I can live with. Some of these things are things I am guilty of too. AND most importantly, when he does something that bothers me, we talk about it, and he doesn’t get angry. He just listens.

Why am I doing such thinking about all of this? Because Mr. Wonderful has me thinking about marriage and family. His kids are very sweet and whip smart. His oldest son, who is 7, asked me a myriad of questions and then let me know that he was checking me out to see if I was right for Dad. His youngest son who is 4, kept clinging to me, and having these little moments alone with me where he would tell me I was nice and he liked Daddy better around me. This was a huge hurdle I was concerned about. I think as the children and I get to know each other more, it will continue to get better. I hope we form our own family unit of sorts.

Mr. Wonderful tells me all of the time how much he loves me. He wants to try moving in together. He is done with his dislike of marriage and thinks marrying me might not be such a bad plan for the future. He said when I feel like I am ready to really make that kind of commitment to him, to give him a sign to let him know I am ready. So I am taking everything into consideration. I am enjoying the nice thoughts and possibilities. But I am thinking about all of this with realism.

It’s nice to be with someone I don’t have to explain myself to. We tell each other how it is. We genuinely love spending time together. I never had this with my Ex. We didn’t care to spend time together, we always liked doing things apart. It was hard for us to agree on anything. Mr. W and I seem to be on the same page on most everything. He is like a male Claudia to me.

But I also know from experience that people can change on a dime. I want to wait and make sure he doesn’t start taking me for granted. Or treating me badly. I’m going to spend a week with him alone next week. This will be yet another test to see if we can stand each other for that long a period of time. I don’t think he will let me down.

Give Me My Sin Again

Due to my moving out of the apartment with my three roommates, The Smoker, The Ex and Charlie, I hadn’t had the time to post this entry. So, here it goes….

Mr. Wonderful and I had sex!

Anyone who has been following my blog knows how HUGE this is. Mr. Wonderful had been having an issue of impotence ever since his divorce 2 years ago.

I spent Monday night at his place. Since I had so much moving to do I wanted to make sure I’d have a good night’s sleep. For some reason, when I am in bed with him I am able to sleep on and off through out most of the night. Where as any where else I can only snag a few hours and once I wake I am wide awake. I wasn’t feeling very well most of the night, and crawling into bed next my sweety seemed like the perfect remedy.

Now since Mr. Wonderful had been so attentive to my sexual needs on Saturday, I felt it only right to return the favor to him. He seemed like he really was hoping to fool around. I actually hadn’t anticipated this, thinking only of sleep. I had already thrown on a crappy t-shirt for bed and was trying to play catch up on my work.  Mr. W. eventually joined me on the bed, kissing away my need to work or rest. What happened next was mind blowing!

I went down on Mr. Wonderful. I love doing this to him. Over the past few years I haven’t been such a fan of giving blow jobs. The Ex never really cared to shower much, which was a huge turn off. It actually kind of turned me off from doing it at all. So when Mr. Wonderful entered the picture and had no problem with my request of if you want me to blow you, go shower first, things became a LOT more tolerable. Down right enjoyable. I actually love going down on my boyfriend.

Ever since the night I asked Mr. Wonderful to talk dirty to me, we’ve been much more open and comfortable in our bedroom activities. So using all this new information about what he liked that I did and what to vary while doing it, I was able to get better at it. Mr. Wonderful orgasmed  during my blow job. Not once, but twice. A huge deal since in the month we’ve been together he’d had a lot of mental road blocks keeping him from staying hard and cumming. But problem solved!

There’s more!

After that he was still rock hard, another thing we were both pleasantly surprised by. We fooled around some more and there was a third one for him! I was completely beside myself. I didn’t say much. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I only said that I’d found that incredible and exciting and that maybe later I might want to mess around again but with the focus on me this time.

Flash to about an hour or two later. My sweet Mr. Wonderful and I are cuddled in bed watching TV. I had really been feeling run down, and Mr. W was urging me to take care of me. I said something to the effect of him putting his hands down my pants might be the cure for what ailed me. I was joking. But sure enough Mr. W indulged me. It was my turn to lay back and enjoy, and surely I was not disappointed. Mr. Wonderful’s specialty seems to be oral sex. In all honesty I can’t get enough of it.

This led to our third, yup THIRD and final sexual encounter. Mr. Wonderful can turn me on like a switch. I become insatiable with him. Lately our fun fooling around has been turning into pretty hot frenzied passion. Round three was exactly that. Mr. W went straight for the g-spot while I went down on him again. It was time to try having sex. We were both panting for it. He moved me into a position I’d never tried with me on my side and him over me. I was literally hanging off the side of the bed grasping at furniture to maintain balance, all the while utterly astonished that this was working. Mr. W was really going for it, hitting my g-spot with every thrust. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was amazing. We finished at the same time! Just as I’d suspected, when we were finally able to sleep together it was well worth the wait. Best sex I’ve had in close to a decade. He smiled the biggest smile I’d ever seen and said “Baby, you fixed me.”

I think all it really took was us feeling closer to one another. I think the real trick was Mr. Wonderful needed to feel secure in the fact that I was all his. I love him. I have had a thing for him for years. And now that I get my chance with him, I don’t think I’ll ever let him go. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

We spent the rest of the evening giddy in after glow. He seems so much more relaxed and confident. I love it. This is what I have been praying for. I have complete confidence that this is going to be the most fulfilling relationship of my life. I want to do everything with this man. It is the first time I have had zero reservations about someone. Usually by this point I’m picking at flaws and trying to figure out how much I can stand of their bullshit. Right now, I got no complaints. If he said let’s run off and get married tomorrow, I’d do it without even batting an eye lash. I don’t think I’d even use the we should have a long engagement excuse…