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So I have been wondering something about myself for a very long time. Am I replacing my need for pot with a need for sex? Is my sexual behavior becoming compulsive. I am starting to feel out of control. VERY out of control. And with Mr. Wonderful coming so god damn close to being the right guy for me, I find myself acting out more. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of. I think I need to deal with them in some capacity and may even need to go so far as to say that I may need to seek outside help. I can feel myself slipping. And if I’m not careful I will hurt someone that I love very much.
I don’t know if I would say I’m feel sex addicted as much as I feel a huge sexual compulsion. I use to smoke pot all day long. Mr. Wonderful entered the picture and for the first time in my life, my sex life isn’t fueled by weed. I sleep with him 100% sober and it’s amazing.
A lot of this came to my attention while watching season 2 of Six Feet Under with Mr. Wonderful. There is a character named Brenda that i can very much so relate to. In this season her sex addiction spins out of control. She sleeps with just about anyone who shows an interest, even though she is engaged to be married. Now I have not gone this far! But I have gone far enough to feel bad and feel as though I am leading a double life. With my boyfriend things are perfect. When I am at home I feel like a caged animal trying to prowl.
But the problem remains as I smoke less, I crave more. No matter how much happens between us it never seems to be enough. I am always wanting. Last week I literally had a half hour orgasm with Mr. W. I stopped there because I was tired and dehydrated. But even when we stopped my body wanted to continue. I could feel myself still throbbing and wanting to go on. Yesterday I masturbated and not even ten minutes later I was online talking dirty to my boyfriend and wanting more. Last night things got so bad I found myself locking myself in my room, trying to stay in control of myself. I found myself online talking to someone I shouldn’t have. I thought about Mr. Wonderful and stopped for a while.
I spent the rest of my night talking to Claudia about my compulsion. She took a very calm and logical approach to what I was saying and kind of talked me down. I confided everything in her. I told her about everything I had been doing, my feelings, how it all never seems to stop. It felt really good to get a lot of that off of my chest. But the sad thing was, even while I was talking to her, I was still thinking about sex. Sex with her! Luckily doing something like that is not crossing a line within my relationship. It leaves me feeling less guilty.
Today will be a true test. I will be home alone all night long. I have no one to talk to or hang out with. Nothing to really distract me. And no pot until my roommate comes home late tonight. It will be very very hard for me to keep myself in check.
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