Singleton

So I am sitting at home at 10:00 on a Saturday night. Not by choice mind you. But because I have become a total loser. In breaking up with the Smoker I found freedom and even more loneliness. Not use to being a singleton – I have made many relationship faux pas. MANY.
Going on internet dating sites was quite an eye opener. In my twenties online dating consisted of chatting and email until eventually you meet and start dating. In my thirties it consists of dodging dudes who want sexting and dirty pics, trying to go out on actual dates and not hook ups, or trying to meet someone who is not seeing about 6 other people. I hate it. I am bad at it. It makes me feel gross and old at the same time.
The point of this blog for me is to be able to keep it like a diary I can come back to when ever I need to. To have a place to be completely honest and without fear. I change everyone’s names for this reason. So now my confessional comes into play.

Drew- He just turned 21 to my about to be 33. He’s sweet and a music major in college. I met him online and I have to admit his youth and relentless pursuit of me got me to cave. I hadn’t had sex for a while and I thought when will I ever again have opportunity to do something like this with a guy i think is super hot. So we slept together…. a LOT. I kind of freaked out after. While everyone I knew was high fiving me, I was having terror thoughts about a parent showing up at my door wondering why I’d defiled their baby. Guilt is a large factor for me. I got over it though. We fit together very well sexually. We talk and are genuine friends at this point. But in between trying to find Mr. Right, I occasionally sneak in Mr. Young.

Chazz – A mainly text friend for months now. Chazz and I met once in the beginning of summer. He met me under a street lamp across from a large sign by the beach. We talked about a lot of things. I was at ease and very cool with him. We talked about all sorts of crazy embarrassing things. He got out of jail and has been battling addiction for a long time. He said everything felt like an experiment because he’d spent so little of his life sober. I liked him. But I was also afraid of him. I can be a lot to take on in a relationship. And the idea that it is more likely then not that he would relapse at some point – worried me. So i text him and wonder what if.

Gabriel – He almost became my boyfriend. He was in love with me. He was very nervous around me. A genuine sweet guy. But his frightening devotion to his mate proved too much for me. The girl before me trapped him into a 7 year relationship where he barely left the house. With me I started to seeing really intense moments where he would get scary obsessed with things. Like Twilight. God lord did this dude LOVE Twilight. He talked about it every day. Watched one of the movies ever single day. He would send me videos of songs from the soundtrack. I first mistaked this for romantic. I could see the obsession happening with me. One day he lost his temper and started yelling these very strange things at me. And my love bubble popped. I was full of fear and could not handle someone this intense. I want someone into me, but this was too much.

Ray-Ray – This guy was one part Southern gentleman and one part ghetto. He was a little odd looking but he was willing to talk and get to know me and take it step by step. One night he texted me that his cousin took his phone. During the time his phone was stolen i’d received texts telling me he had a girlfriend. I started thinking he was a bit shady. He was never available on the weekends. Only after work Monday through Thursday. He never stayed longer then an hour when he came over. He refused to talk about dating. He told me he loved me twice and then got mad and said not like that. After a while he only wanted to come over if we were going to drink or do drugs. Needless to say, I told him I didn’t care to see him anymore.

Fagioli – a guy i worked with that flirted with me unmercilessly. Eventually dirty pics were swapped. He’s married. Nothing was ever going to happen. I now limit my interaction with him. The end.

Seen – Ugh. The worst of all. I was so so into him. This guy just did it for me. I made the mistake of falling too fast here. His eyes made me all swoony. He liked things in a way very similar to me. We seemed to be on the same level in every respect. Our first date was 12 hours long. It was truly the best date I’d ever had. But I think about it now… and I see a lot of things that might have been blinded by falling in love.
Seen turned out to know The Ex. They are friends. Seen seemed fascinated by the rise and fall of The Ex’s and my relationship. He asked lots of questions and brought it up a lot, almost obsessively. I would have moments where I’d wonder is he into me, or into the Ex? He would talk about another mutual friend of ours in such a loved way that it felt quasi-homo-erotic. Like I am sure this sounds like fuck him he’s gay! NOT the case. sooooo not the case. In fact at some point he told me a story where during a drunken night at a party he showed yet another mutual friend of ours his dick – completely unprompted. So… does not help this case. Some serious bi-sexuality.
At the same, I mean that, bi. Because he was clearly into younger college aged girls. his last girlfriend had been an 18 year old junkie. He worked at a college and lived next to a University. That made me feel very self conscious. i was he second oldest person he’d dated… he’s 3 YEARS older then me!
So by date 5 I started getting weird mixed signals from him. Like maybe he wasn’t feeling like I was feeling. So in a moment of fear – I threw it all out on the table and said I dig you a lot, I think this that and the other about you. I think you should just go for it and trying being with me. That if he felt the same he should tell me and if not, we should stop seeing each other. Apparently this was too much for him. I looked crazy. I felt uncomfortable. I liked him so much it was fucking my life up.
After this I found out he’d been seeing other chicks the entire time anyways. this really surprised me. I mean we never said we were mutually exclusive. But we were spending so much time together that it felt like how could he being seeing someone else too? Or a bunch of someone else’s.
JOKE WAS ON ME! He had lots of skinny young bitches after him. I was just some stupid newly single crazy bitch. I had let him borrow a movie and he MAILED it back to me. Our last conversation was so bad and uncomfortable. Ugh, it was just a total mess. I was horrified with myself for losing my cool. I was horrified with him for not wanting me back.

Lastly comes The Reader. That mother fucker I have loved for a lifetime and we never ever can get it together. Our biggest issue always seemed to be around him never being able to sleep with me. For over a decade I have waited for this man to make love to me just once. So when he finds out I’m seeing Seen he panics. He starts calling, texting, and even coming around again. He tells me he loves me. he doesn’t want me with some other dude. This comes on the tale of me finding out Seen is seeing other chicks. Like THAT NIGHT.
The Reader makes promises he can never keep. He makes strides and is closer to keeping them. But when he fucks up, he fucks up real good.
He makes the mistake one night, of telling me that after we broke up he wanted revenge on me. I was distraught when we broke up. I’d spent a year with him in a strained sexless relationship. I felt like I was ugly and horrible. So i slept with the first guy who gave me a shot, his friend Greep. His revenge – he slept with my enemy of the time. My best friend’s other best friend and the girl Greep liked – Age. He told me this and I exploded. PROOF that it wasn’t that he was too damaged for sex. Just sex with me was a problem.
Heart goes shatter.

Dating… it’s not my thing.
Since Seen and then the Reader, I am just done. I will be Miss Singleton USA. I might as well by cats and a fanny pack, some nice elastic waist pants, and call it a life. DONE. I can only handle so much foul fuckery before I just move on.

I am trying to be Career Girl these days. My focus is to get out of debt and get a car. I don’t ever want to have to depend on some man. Matters of the heart just aren’t for everyone. Right now, the best thing I can do is just bring myself up.