Revive

A lot has happened since I last complained about life and about Mick. Mick is no more. I never heard from him again. I never bothered to try and contact him again. If I ever heard from him I think I’d start laughing at this point. What a jerk!

I still haven’t had a job interview that results in a job. I’m applying and get interviews and all that. Just nothing has happened. I’m going to keep working at it! There has got to be something out there for me.

I’ve started talking to someone new. We met in person yesterday after talking for like 2 weeks on the phone and Facetime. I’m not sure what is going to happen. He’s very sweet and caring. But he also has a disability, he had a stroke several years ago and sometimes it effects his understanding. For the most part we communicate well. BUT I have noticed he kind of acts like…. a clingy boyfriend.

He has already dropped an L bomb, to which I responded that I was in no way ready for that. He understood. He wants a lot of reassurance that I like him. He wants to wait to have sex. He has asked me about ghosting and shit like that. I also let him know I don’t ghost, because of the Mick situation. Honesty is best right?

So I’m not 100% which way this is going to go with the new guy. I like him a lot. But I’m hoping he can trust that I like him, and relax a little bit.

Depression Rising

Today is a day where I am sort of struggling to hold it together. I haven’t heard from Mick since our date almost a week ago. I feel like shit about that. Because I believed everything he said about talking more and spending more time together. I am starting to develop feelings for Mick. So this kind of sucks. My current theory is that he is commitment-phobic. That he really means what he says, but freaks about getting close to me.

I still have no job. I make money from my business, but in order to afford an apartment, I need at least a part-time job. Which means I have no way to save to move out right now.

I also still need to come up with the next $360 to divorce the Smoker. That’s a whole thing in itself! I’m trying to catch up on our bills and there just never seems to be enough left over! ARG!

I feel like a loser just drowning right now. I know all of this takes time, but GEEZ! I just want to hibernate for weeks.

Depression is my new boyfriend.

Triumphant

Well, to my surprise, I spent the whole day with Mick yesterday. It was nice. We watched a movie, went out to run a quick errand, ordered pizza and just hung out. He hugged and kissed me nonstop. He also explained more about his past and previous relationships. How he’s dealing with being newly diagnosed as bipolar, and the possibility of having some kind of Cancer. Everything was true. While I was there he was getting phone calls from doctor’s offices and making preparations to be out of work for a few days to deal. He put them on speaker while he looked around for things and I heard everything.

I like Mick. I don’t know what will happen between us, but I like where things are going. I like that he really has been being honest with me. I like how he treated me. Before I left he said he wants to do a real date next time. That he thinks we should talk more often on the phone and see each other more frequently. That he has been bad with communicating with me and my getting angry about it made him realize it.

So we’ll take it slow and see where we end up. Probably doesn’t help that I slept with him twice yesterday. LOL! But you know, my version of slow probably includes sex. So slutever on that.

This Mother Fucker Part 3 : The Return of Mick

So I am Airpodding my way through my sadness. I get a Facebook message from Pathetic Loser. It says I’m Sorry. I ignore it. I get a text from him, it says I’m sorry. Another Facebook message “I overslept and then got upset and I’m sorry.” He keeps messaging me. I finally say Then why do you keep blowing me off?

He starts saying please text me. We need to talk, etc. He apologizes again and again and says he’s so sorry. That all of these things really did happen. That if anything he’s nervous to let me in, which I completely understand. He says he really is having health problems, he really did get called into work and he really did oversleep. So after more apologizing, I agree, I will meet him tomorrow. If he blows me off again, then we are done for real. I will delete him completely from my life. No more chances.

Then he calls me and we talk for close to an hour. Things felt good. I feel like I still have my guard up quite a bit, but it was a pleasant conversation.

So is this the grand gesture and the triumphant return of Mick Jagger? Or is this going to be the heartbreaking return of Pathetic Loser? My heart is beating like a mile a minute right now.

I swear if he blows me off again I’m going to call him and give him a piece of my mind.

What if he doesn’t blow me off? What do I do then? My whole angry tirade was because I really like this guy and I have real feelings developing. If we actually see each other…. I can see a spark fanning into a flame.

This whole thing is just bonkers! Bonkers I tell you!

This Mother Fucker Part 2

Well, here it is. Another day and another planned date with Mick, and what a fucking shock, this mother fucker stood me up AGAIN. THREE TIMES this guy has disappeared on me. I was supposed to meet him at 9am. Text number one at 8am from me, just saying hey and that I’m running a little behind. My message is read. I send a second message like 30 minutes later saying I’m getting in the shower, haven’t heard from him. Did he still want to do this?

He doesn’t read it. He doesn’t respond.

I wait.

10:00 still unread and no response. I finally just have the conversation with myself. This has been three times. I don’t like this. I don’t like the way this guy is treating me. He’s hung up on me, no call no show, he never seems to give a shit about my time or my feelings. How can he possibly like me?!? And then it occurs to me, hello, maybe I’m like the practice girl! I’m the piece of ass before the girlfriend comes along. Even if I’m not, the way I feel is not ok.

SO I texted him. Around 10:30 I sent a text and I plainly said Fuck this shit. You’re clearly not that into me. Then I deleted it from my texts so I couldn’t spy and wait to see how long it was until he read it. I haven’t heard a word from this Mick mother fucker. So we are again crowning him The Ghoster, The Pathetic Loser.

I know no one is perfect, but jesus, I feel like I was more than fair here. Not one word. Not one! Which really only goes to prove my point that he couldn’t have been all that into me. Fucker. Twat. Stupid piece of turd. Now I gotta pick up the pieces again and nurse yet another broken heart from this jerk. JERK JERK JERK.

I’ll be fine soon enough. But maybe tomorrow I’ll take it easy and focus on me. Heal. I can’t believe I gave him so many chances…. sad face.

Change of Focus

OMG, I have only been doing this job for 2 days and I am already fantasizing about a day off. It’s not hard work, but it is a LOT of work. And it’s the holiday shopping season. So color me exhausted. This is going to be terrible!

My dog got mad at me and shit all over my home office while I was at work. She has not been happy with me ever since I went to the hotel for 2 nights. She typically is not a shitter. She’s usually a very good well-behaved girl. The only time she acts up is when I am away from the household. Sooo… moving out should go real well…

I am doing very well as far as leaving my love life alone. I closed my dating app account and stopped actively looking. I think this new job is enough for me right now. In a couple weeks, I’ll start looking for another better job. I don’t think men really fit into my life right now and that is a very good thing. I haven’t even thought about Pathetic Loser today, well until just now! LOL! What a pile of shit!

In other news, I have started doing some little crafty things again. I started knitting a few scarves for the holidays. I’m working on a Diamond Dotz Harry Potter project. I even ordered a new book on drawing. When I was in the Psych Ward (last year I went crazy! True story!) they taught me about being more mindful and focusing on the present. So these little projects have been very helpful when I start to feel overwhelmed.

I think all of this is good. It feels positive. I just have to stay calm and keep going.

I Want My Life Back

I have a real problem with love and loneliness. We live in a very hook-up kind of world, and I’m just not into it. Do I want to be married – NO. Do I want a boyfriend – Maybe, if the circumstances were right and everything felt good. What I think I want is to focus on myself and my career and have a regular lover, or two. Not a hook-up. Not a one-and-done situation. But someone I could trust and share my life with as well as sleep with. They just have to be honest and worth having. Because so far, I am unimpressed.

Pathetic Loser really messed me up.

The Smoker messed me up, and it continues. The relationship I just can’t seem to escape. I talked to my sister last night and she just can’t understand how after all of these years The Smoker still can’t get it together! She also was like You Need to go and find new dick…” But little does she know, I crashed and burned on that front.

Life with The Smoker is easy because we have a pattern. Unfortunately, I don’t drive, so that pattern leaves me asking for permission to go places. And I never go anywhere without HIM. I hate it. I’m over it. I want MY LIFE BACK. I miss some of the solitude, but mainly I miss doing things for myself! I miss having friends and a job and a life outside the home! FUCK! I’m dying in this relationship. I’m drowning in it. He loves me so much and I’m just floundering around in it. Desperately flipping like a fish out of water, gasping for air. Dramatic much, yes, always.

DIVORCE = INDEPENDANCE

I haven’t told anyone except my sister in my family so far. I don’t know if they will understand. I’d rather wait until the divorce is done or at least filed. My mother won’t understand. She thinks I have it made. The Smoker is on both disability and has a trust fund and a rich mother to boot. He gets what he wants. He owns the house, the car and he will most likely get the dogs too. But that’s only because it will be very hard for me to afford them in addition to rent and all the bills on my own. I am literally going to walk out on everything and start over. My mother will think I’m nuts. She won’t get why I’d walk away.

I’m very scared.

Jobby Job

Nothing like being ghosted to spark up getting off your ass and doing something with your life! I just finished doing all the paperwork for my new little jobby job. I have orientation next week! Then away I go, back to peopling. How scary! But how great too!

I have started letting go of, what’s his name? Oh yeah – Pathetic Loser. What a coward I have wasted my precious time on. What a coward I have shared intimate parts of my soul with! Nope, no more. Losers need not apply. Anyone who would straight ghost is a waste of my time period. I don’t fuck with people who do that. Weak sauce.

In a weird way, if it weren’t for that Loser ghosting me, I probably wouldn’t have started taking steps toward living on my own again. I felt rather stuck. Now I’m baby-stepping my way to doubling my income. If I can make $2K+ a month, I should be able to support myself in a new location. I just need to figure out where once I get a steady part-time job. This one is just for now and to get me back in the workflow. I feel good about this. It’s only $13 an hour, but it’s a start! I’m doing something. And who says if I like this job I can’t try applying for better positions within the company! OR if I don’t, who cares, it’s only until mid -January! It’s really a win/win.

I haven’t worked anywhere else in a while now. About 3 years, maybe 4! Gosh, that is just so bonkers! I have been running just my business that long. I started off selling handmade items, then vintage items. Now I sell clothing and accessories in one place, books and beauty in another, and stickers and pins in yet another online venue. I love packing orders. I lovvveeee selling stuff to people. But it’s isolating and lonely as Hell. I work from home completely alone. I don’t have children. So truly, I am alone here. It will be so nice to just get out for a while and be somewhere else. WORK.

Fuck that Pathetic Loser. He no longer deserves the name Mick. Mick is as in Jagger and let’s face it, Mick Jagger is a LEGEND. He’s Pathetic Loser now and forever. You know, last night I got a little hammered. I texted him Why Did U Ghost Me? I knew he wouldn’t answer it. But a part of me wanted him to get annoyed that I would text that. Maybe even feel bad for a minute. But the fact is, I am probably long gone from this dude’s memory. I know that. I know I got used. But damn do I wish I could blow up this dude’s spot somehow. Or actually SEE karma get him back.

The best revenge is living well and never looking back.

The best revenge is your paper…

Let the Healing Begin

OK! OK! NEW RULE! I don’t fuck anyone. Maybe I’ll just try celibacy for a while. And adjust to being alone forever…

I’m 42 years old. That’s it, I’m done. Closed for business.

Irrelevant.

Ugh.

The Smoker…

Maybe Mick was a distraction from the real issue – I’m divorcing The Smoker. 

It doesn’t change the fact that what Mick did hurt tremendously. 

Or the guilt from knowing that I am hurting The Smoker tremendously.

I’m going to heal at my own pace. Every feeling I have hurts right now.

My body is a temple that I am about to stuff full of french fries. 😦

I’ve taken up smoking suddenly. I’m chain-smoking weed. 

This isn’t really self-care, is it?

I think I’m going to try and focus on doing better than this. 

I ain’t fucking with nobody.

The good news is that I am starting a new job next week! I got a little part-time job at a department store for the holiday season. 1) It will get me out of the house. 2) It will be extra money to help me save up to move out. 3) It won’t affect my current job of running a part-time business from home. 4) If I do well, they may hire me as a regular employee. And 5) I’ll meet new people! Cause lord knows I only have one really good friend, my bestie is a guy named Toby. Even he doesn’t know about my little indiscretion with Mick. Just you and I in this secret mess of mine. But I could certainly use more friends!

As someone who has been agoraphobic for years, these are all huge steps, and I am staying calm and doing what I need to do. I’m proud of myself today.

The Ballad of Mick

In the back of my mind I think about my superego. Am I a brat? A narcissist? Is this my karma coming back to get me? The fact is that I have not yet filed for divorce. I am still living with my husband. Does that make me a piece of shit? For starting to move on already? We aren’t together. But we aren’t apart. I feel guilty….  But I also feel freed.

My husband, The Smoker, is a friend. A dear old friend. I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t think I ever was. I loved him as a person. As a human in this world, I will always love him. But as a romantic partner, he makes me feel dead inside and I hate myself for it. 

I feel like I’m slowly going insane. 

My text is still unread. It says Delivered, so he didn’t block me. He’s just ignoring me….

Great.

I have a music playlist for just about every occasion. While I do not have a being ghosted by the guy you were falling for playlist, I do have a playlist called The Break Up. I’m listening to the song Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects. It is so nicely summing up all the bitter feelings I have right now. But then as I am a glutton for punishment, I move on to a new playlist made by someone else called Break Up Songs for Sad Bitches and I for sure am the saddest bitch there is right now. The playlist opens with A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant To Be by Jess Benko. I am wrecked by this song. A stranger who knows all my secrets can pull me apart and break my heart. A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be. My heart is aching.

What did I do? This Mick Jagger, this Valentino, Lothario. This adorable human that I am missing right now and am helpless to the pain of. I am love’s bitch right now. Between The Smoker and Mick, my brain won’t let me rest. 

The loneliness is a bit relentless.

I actually read an article about being ghosted and how important self-care is after something like that happens. That depending on the situation it can feel traumatic. So I’m trying to keep myself busy. Treat myself with care. 

What did I do wrong?

Mick, we could have had something. 

This is weird. 

Because part of me is like, you’re an idiot to not be into me. I’m amazing and you should have picked up on that. And you sucked in bed anyways! I just really liked you and forgave the 2 minutes of penetration. But let’s face it Sweety, I didn’t cum. I’m hung up on this guy and I didn’t even get off! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I didn’t fake anything, I enjoyed the foreplay that happened. But the sex itself was awful. I never finished. But he nutted away. 

I’ll get over it. But boy do I have a broken heart.