Harsh words, I know.
I haven’t written here in a long long time. Please allow me to do a brief rundown of what life has been since I last posted. Mr. Wonderful turned out to be rather lazy in love and became Mr. It’s All About Me. I realized it was the end when on the eve of my nerve wracking pre hysterectomy surgery appointment, he came home crying like a little bitch about some guy he worked with posting an internet video of basicly him stealing food from this little snack shop in the building he worked in. He said he always paid after the fact when he had money and that his reputation had been soiled. But between you and I dear readers, that’s kind of a crock. He had confessed to me on numerous occassions that he liked to steal. Especially when he felt like he was sticking it to the man. I spent my night comforting him. I dealt with my shit pretty much alone and terrified. He made no effort to be there for me emotionally. He made no effort to try and refresh our relationship. So I grieved, shut down, and then I left him for The Smoker.
The Smoker and I have had some serious ups and downs. He left me, I left him. We fought, we fucked, we fought some more. He went through a drug problem where he was with another girl. I left him and contemplated the very value of my life. In the end we came together and realized we loved each other, always had. We worked through most of our demons. I have to admit, jealousy comes into play now and then, but we are very solid. I realized I had been fighting being with him for so long that I was really just ignoring what I knew was right. I have always feared comittment. Running from relationship to relationship has been my way of dive bombing and sabotaging marriage.
So when Mr. Lazy and I split, I moved back to my father’s. Huge mistake! My father and I have had a lot of issues as long as I can remember beginning with me not knowing him until I was 16. Now that I am 31 I can see everything clearly. My father is just that, sperm donor. He is out for himself and no one else. He taughts being this good christian who prays and loves and does not judge, while he and his bitch wife sit there and judge everyone with their rigid ideas and greedy lifestyle.
All week long something has felt amiss. I over heard that bitch cunt step mother of mine saying horrible things about me. I fought goign on disability when I’d had cancer. It wasn’t until January that I even applied. I received compensation in April for my stage 4 severe Cancer in 3 places. I have had it for almost 3 months. My chemo ended last week and I am looking for a new job and apartment.I saved as much money as I could when it did come through. She told her friends what a bum and loser I am. That I’ll be sponging off the government for life. That I wasn’t that sick. That I was just like my down and out sister Tree.
I confronted my father in a respectful quiet manner. I said I knew what she said and that I thought it was a little hars. He disagreed, said I was a baby 32 (I’m 31) goign on 10. That i wasn’t that sick and could have worked (I tried, it was too difficult as I was sick all the time, besides many places were and are still reluctant to hire me because of the C word.) That I would never get my life together and I’d be 50 years old living off disability. That i have never worked a day in my life and haven’t held a real job in 7 years (i ran asmall business form 2008 – 2010 when I got sick. Towards the last year i only made $5000 because I was too sick. I worked 2 jobs and paid the bill for 3 people on my own before that.) That I was a no good loser. He hates me, my friends and my lifestyle. That I am a pig and make him sick. (apparently he had to “clean” my room for me because I don’t know how to use the giant machine he has to wax the floors. oh and I change my bed sheets once a month.) That he has no faith in me and will never amount to anything. That I will never get anything in life because my mother and grandmother spoiled (that one was real weird. I don’t know how that could even be possible when I grew up poor. Oh and he wouldn’t know because in 31 years I’ve actually only known and seen him for about 5.) And my favorite part besides him leaving me to pack my shit and get out less than a week after finishing chemo, was him saying I’m not a good person, that good people don’t mean shit and that he has zero faith in me as a human being. I’m lazy and I spend my life floating around doing nothing sponging off of any man who will come my way.
I hope you get Cancer and then tell me how energetic you feel. I hope you throw up every single day like I did. I hope all your friends and family slowly disappear. I hope someone yells at you to get a job because you got sick and needed a nap. I hope the day after your blood transfusion someone treats you like shit and does not let you heal from any kind of surgery. I hope that you lose your wife, family and money that is so so precious to you. I hope your credit goes to Hell and you have no choice but to stay on unemployment now that you have lost your job. I hope every bad thing you’ve done and lie you’ve told comes back to you. I hope you lose everything. Maybe then you will learn to stop hiding behind your “christian faith” and TRULY be a non-judgemental humble man and a true man of God. I hope that when I am done packing my things and walk out of your life, this time for good, that your God strikes you down in some way so that you can feel the pain you’ve put on me, and your other 3 girls who you constantly tear down. You are not a real man. You are not a real Christian. You are not a father.Thank you for showing me I truly was better off without you all along. You were a junkie when I was a baby, a drunk when I was a teen, and then a junkie a second time – where does the righteousness come from when you have so much to answer for yourself. I hope it feels good to throw a sick kid in the street. Die penniless and alone and we’ll be even,
In hatred,
Your Daughter, you know the first one from when you were like 16? yeah that one.
If you are so busy judging when do you have time to love?
Biggigity Switch 