Biggigity Switch Where Are They Now?

I started rereading this blog last night. I started from the very beginning and read straight through until now. Wow, am I totally fucked up. I really have a problem with love, men and commitment. I also wish I had posted more to this when I was in the crux of Cancer and living at my father’s. It was a bit of a turbulent time. Reading some of this reopened some of those old wounds. So perhaps a moment to reflect and update.

What ever happened to “Mr. Wonderful”. He was a very hot topic in the early posts of my confessional. Initially I had nick named him The Joker. He had become Mr. Wonderful once a relationship developed. We actually a little bit over the summer thanks to the magic of Facebook. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he is a friend. But we did have a conversation about what happened between us and how things kind of just spontaneously combusted between us. Essentially it boiled down to the pressure of me being so sick so early in our relationship. I think we really felt something for one another. It was a pretty solid relationship for a while there. But I think Mr. Wonderful’s baggage can be a bit self destructive in nature, as is mine. If the Cancer didn’t happen I’m sure we could have easily lasted a few years. I have moments where I seriously miss the conversations and tenderness of our life together. When it was good it was amazing. But when it was bad… it was soul sucking shit. Knowing what I know now about him, sooner or later I would have had issues and left. You can’t have to overly opinionated dominant personalities in a relationship like that. We were very competitive with one another as well. I am a much stronger person than I was then. There would have been a fight, power struggle, argument of some kind to end things. He has gone back to his old habits financially from what I have heard and is unemployed and living with a relative. More proof that I made the right decision.

Where is The Reader now a days? Every once in a blue he pops up on Facebook and sends me some silly message to say hello. He never made any real effort beyond a phone call with me. He was drunk 99% of the time towards the end of our phone chats. I think he may even still be using on occasion, but he would never tell me that. He has had a lot of help with his sex abuse issues, but is now dealing with his finding out about having a form of Autism. He has a lot of demons he is dealing with as well.  Last time we talked he told me he had an interest in an old mutual friend of ours and they dated for a little while. I had a feeling something like that was up. At the time he was talking to me like he didn’t want to get involved with me and he was afraid to tell me why. It was for the best really. I see that 100% now. I have not given him my most recent phone number. But I still keep tabs to make sure he is ok. I now accept that it was ok to let him go. That it was ok to love him for so long. That we are not suppose to be together. But I still have love for him and who we were at one point in time. He was a big one for me. As sad as it makes me to see who he has become in adulthood, I will always want to be around in some capacity.

The Ex, believe it or not he lives around the corner from me now. The girl he “left me for” a year or so ago got pregnant three months into their relationship, but left him when he quit his job and sat around for 7 of the 9 months of her pregnancy.His volatile temper flared and he started threatening her and her family on Facebook. It was like a soap opera that Claudia, Kyle and I could not stop reading. Now he is working again, they have settled arguments for the most part and they are co-parenting well. I had a little bit of a jealousy issue when she got pregnant, I must admit. But seeing everything unfold, I got over it pretty quick. One thing I can’t stand is a violent volatile dude. Super quick turn off. For the most part, he and I are friendly even after our nightmare of a break up. He was just here for dinner with the Smoker and I. We’re all pretty ok with how things ended up.

The Smoker and I are together. He has a car again which is very helpful for us both! He is working part time cleaning offices at night and running errands for his mother’s offices. He’s also still on disability, which looks like it will be permanent for him. So he has an income. That was the big reason for our break up 2 years ago. We have been together for a third time now, it will be a year in February. I have issues, he has issues. We are working on these issues. I can be tough on him. He can be opposing to me. For the most part, we have the past in the past. We have forgiven each other for our mistakes and indiscretions. The Smoker is pretty devoted to me and I him. Our current issues seem to be more about communicating and learning how to do it better with each other. We’re also started to discuss what we want in the next few years. Things feel good. I am working out my commitment issues, or trying to at least. We’re baby stepping our way to something better.

In conclusion, I guess rereading this was helpful. More reason for me to stay alive and keep going. Things are better then they have been in years. My career is making a shift into art and indie business, a huge deal for me. My life is getting closer to where it should be. I am starting to feel like a grown up. (Ok, I still smoke pot, but still, taking care of the rest as well!) Reasons for living. Reminders to myself. A reminder that I am not the vapid sexaholic I started as. I have evolved. Cheers to growth!

Singleton

So I am sitting at home at 10:00 on a Saturday night. Not by choice mind you. But because I have become a total loser. In breaking up with the Smoker I found freedom and even more loneliness. Not use to being a singleton – I have made many relationship faux pas. MANY.
Going on internet dating sites was quite an eye opener. In my twenties online dating consisted of chatting and email until eventually you meet and start dating. In my thirties it consists of dodging dudes who want sexting and dirty pics, trying to go out on actual dates and not hook ups, or trying to meet someone who is not seeing about 6 other people. I hate it. I am bad at it. It makes me feel gross and old at the same time.
The point of this blog for me is to be able to keep it like a diary I can come back to when ever I need to. To have a place to be completely honest and without fear. I change everyone’s names for this reason. So now my confessional comes into play.

Drew- He just turned 21 to my about to be 33. He’s sweet and a music major in college. I met him online and I have to admit his youth and relentless pursuit of me got me to cave. I hadn’t had sex for a while and I thought when will I ever again have opportunity to do something like this with a guy i think is super hot. So we slept together…. a LOT. I kind of freaked out after. While everyone I knew was high fiving me, I was having terror thoughts about a parent showing up at my door wondering why I’d defiled their baby. Guilt is a large factor for me. I got over it though. We fit together very well sexually. We talk and are genuine friends at this point. But in between trying to find Mr. Right, I occasionally sneak in Mr. Young.

Chazz – A mainly text friend for months now. Chazz and I met once in the beginning of summer. He met me under a street lamp across from a large sign by the beach. We talked about a lot of things. I was at ease and very cool with him. We talked about all sorts of crazy embarrassing things. He got out of jail and has been battling addiction for a long time. He said everything felt like an experiment because he’d spent so little of his life sober. I liked him. But I was also afraid of him. I can be a lot to take on in a relationship. And the idea that it is more likely then not that he would relapse at some point – worried me. So i text him and wonder what if.

Gabriel – He almost became my boyfriend. He was in love with me. He was very nervous around me. A genuine sweet guy. But his frightening devotion to his mate proved too much for me. The girl before me trapped him into a 7 year relationship where he barely left the house. With me I started to seeing really intense moments where he would get scary obsessed with things. Like Twilight. God lord did this dude LOVE Twilight. He talked about it every day. Watched one of the movies ever single day. He would send me videos of songs from the soundtrack. I first mistaked this for romantic. I could see the obsession happening with me. One day he lost his temper and started yelling these very strange things at me. And my love bubble popped. I was full of fear and could not handle someone this intense. I want someone into me, but this was too much.

Ray-Ray – This guy was one part Southern gentleman and one part ghetto. He was a little odd looking but he was willing to talk and get to know me and take it step by step. One night he texted me that his cousin took his phone. During the time his phone was stolen i’d received texts telling me he had a girlfriend. I started thinking he was a bit shady. He was never available on the weekends. Only after work Monday through Thursday. He never stayed longer then an hour when he came over. He refused to talk about dating. He told me he loved me twice and then got mad and said not like that. After a while he only wanted to come over if we were going to drink or do drugs. Needless to say, I told him I didn’t care to see him anymore.

Fagioli – a guy i worked with that flirted with me unmercilessly. Eventually dirty pics were swapped. He’s married. Nothing was ever going to happen. I now limit my interaction with him. The end.

Seen – Ugh. The worst of all. I was so so into him. This guy just did it for me. I made the mistake of falling too fast here. His eyes made me all swoony. He liked things in a way very similar to me. We seemed to be on the same level in every respect. Our first date was 12 hours long. It was truly the best date I’d ever had. But I think about it now… and I see a lot of things that might have been blinded by falling in love.
Seen turned out to know The Ex. They are friends. Seen seemed fascinated by the rise and fall of The Ex’s and my relationship. He asked lots of questions and brought it up a lot, almost obsessively. I would have moments where I’d wonder is he into me, or into the Ex? He would talk about another mutual friend of ours in such a loved way that it felt quasi-homo-erotic. Like I am sure this sounds like fuck him he’s gay! NOT the case. sooooo not the case. In fact at some point he told me a story where during a drunken night at a party he showed yet another mutual friend of ours his dick – completely unprompted. So… does not help this case. Some serious bi-sexuality.
At the same, I mean that, bi. Because he was clearly into younger college aged girls. his last girlfriend had been an 18 year old junkie. He worked at a college and lived next to a University. That made me feel very self conscious. i was he second oldest person he’d dated… he’s 3 YEARS older then me!
So by date 5 I started getting weird mixed signals from him. Like maybe he wasn’t feeling like I was feeling. So in a moment of fear – I threw it all out on the table and said I dig you a lot, I think this that and the other about you. I think you should just go for it and trying being with me. That if he felt the same he should tell me and if not, we should stop seeing each other. Apparently this was too much for him. I looked crazy. I felt uncomfortable. I liked him so much it was fucking my life up.
After this I found out he’d been seeing other chicks the entire time anyways. this really surprised me. I mean we never said we were mutually exclusive. But we were spending so much time together that it felt like how could he being seeing someone else too? Or a bunch of someone else’s.
JOKE WAS ON ME! He had lots of skinny young bitches after him. I was just some stupid newly single crazy bitch. I had let him borrow a movie and he MAILED it back to me. Our last conversation was so bad and uncomfortable. Ugh, it was just a total mess. I was horrified with myself for losing my cool. I was horrified with him for not wanting me back.

Lastly comes The Reader. That mother fucker I have loved for a lifetime and we never ever can get it together. Our biggest issue always seemed to be around him never being able to sleep with me. For over a decade I have waited for this man to make love to me just once. So when he finds out I’m seeing Seen he panics. He starts calling, texting, and even coming around again. He tells me he loves me. he doesn’t want me with some other dude. This comes on the tale of me finding out Seen is seeing other chicks. Like THAT NIGHT.
The Reader makes promises he can never keep. He makes strides and is closer to keeping them. But when he fucks up, he fucks up real good.
He makes the mistake one night, of telling me that after we broke up he wanted revenge on me. I was distraught when we broke up. I’d spent a year with him in a strained sexless relationship. I felt like I was ugly and horrible. So i slept with the first guy who gave me a shot, his friend Greep. His revenge – he slept with my enemy of the time. My best friend’s other best friend and the girl Greep liked – Age. He told me this and I exploded. PROOF that it wasn’t that he was too damaged for sex. Just sex with me was a problem.
Heart goes shatter.

Dating… it’s not my thing.
Since Seen and then the Reader, I am just done. I will be Miss Singleton USA. I might as well by cats and a fanny pack, some nice elastic waist pants, and call it a life. DONE. I can only handle so much foul fuckery before I just move on.

I am trying to be Career Girl these days. My focus is to get out of debt and get a car. I don’t ever want to have to depend on some man. Matters of the heart just aren’t for everyone. Right now, the best thing I can do is just bring myself up.

Domestication Procrastination

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Mr. Wonderful and I have been in full on domestication mode this week. I have spent all but one day this week at home with him. He goes off to work in the morning, while I take care of errands, chores, and my own work. When he gets home in the evening I make us dinner and we sit and enjoy our time together. Our relationship feels incredibly strong. What I thought would be a week of arguments has been a week of as close to couple bliss as I have ever been.

We did have an itty bitty argument. It was my fault. I recently came down with a cold that has made me feel just awful. At the peak of feeling crappy I had to finish making dinner for Mr. W and the Smoker. It started to be too much. So rather than asking for Mr. W’s help, I lashed out and came close to full on tantrum. But we talked, and all is well. Except for me with this cold.

Aside from happy happy joy joy, I did have two events today that felt rather extraordinary. 1) I heard from Jonny for a second time. 2) I talked to my Dad for the first time in a year.

Jonny IMed me again while I was killing time on Facebook while W and S watched some sort of video game preview. I jumped up and went into a better lit room. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me for a second time.  He told me our old friend Johnson just became a Dad. He was there to visit the baby. When Jonny and I were together we use to call him The Children’s Crusader. He loved kids. He was like a natural advocate for them.  So it seemed so natural for him to want to be with Johnson during this time.  He also told me he was living at home again and he was happy to know that I was living not 10 minutes away from him. Odd after all this time, we’re only 10 minutes apart. We talked about my grandfather’s sickness. We talked. Then in typical Jonny fashion, he just off and disappeared. I hope we continue to talk. I miss him. He was a shitty boyfriend, but an amazing friend and kindred spirit.

Not too long after Jonny stabbed another hole in my heart, my Dad called. We had a short but good talk. I’m going to stop in and see him next week. We talked about my sisters. He informed that he is now working with DCF to try and get custody of my sister T’s kids. She is living in a shelter and if for some reason she gets tossed out, they will take the kids away. But so long as they have a roof over their heads nothing can happen. My Dad was a horrible father to me and T. But now he has really turned it around. Those kids belong with him.

Talking to my Dad always feels like the right thing to do. But there is something inside of me that still feels estranged. I didn’t know him for 16 years. I tracked him down when I was a teenager and left him a message on his answering machine “Hi Rick, my name is Jill. I am your daughter. I don’t know if you know about me but I’d like to get to know you. Thanks, bye.”  Meeting my father was a huge defining moment in my life. But for some reason, I always pull away. I let him love me and get to know me and then I just run.

It’s funny this is the same thing I do with the men I love. Poor Mr. Wonderful. He has no idea how many times I have left his embrace to go and freak out. Things feel so good and right with him. I think this might be THE guy. But I just can’t get out of the protect myself fuck and run mentality.

My idea is for me to see my Dad. Talk with him, as I made a date to see him next week. But not do the nice chit chat talk like I always do. Let the fucking flood gates open and let him know who I really am. Dad I smoke pot, Dad I have agoraphobia, Dad I never got over how you ignored me for so long, and when I ignore you, it’s out of spite and fear of rejection. I don’t talk to you when things are going wrong because I don’t want you to be ashamed.

Gotta get over the running away thing. Maybe then I will finally be ready to tell Mr. Wonderful, hey I got this. I’m tired of running. I’m ready to just be me and you. I’m ready to tell you I want to get married. I’m ready to admit that I want to have a baby and that I love your children and want to make a family of our own with them. I’m ready to let down my guard completely. And I will stop questioning whether I’m making a mistake. I’m just ready.

We’ll see…