I am hitting yet another of my bottoms and am making an effort to move forward in my usual sideways manner.
Where do I begin on this one? Oh, yeah, Adivan… I don’t even know if that’s the correct name, I was prescribed a generic. Whenever I get these in my hot little hands I have a habit of taking a hand full at a time and then go through withdrawing from them for a few days. I don’t remember everything I do when I take them. Smoker says I just babble and say crazy shit, then fall asleep for hours and hours sometimes even days. Obviously doing something like this and trying to have any kind of life or job is a bad combo. I haven’t been in my office for a week and a half.
I’m actually okay with the idea of losing my job. I sent an email yesterday giving them my extended written notice. By this I mean I am quitting, but I will give them some time to find my replacement and help out. I’ve been working from home. I did this because frankly a lot of my depression comes from my job. There is a lot of rejection in my work and it effects me. Not to mention I can’t seem to keep myself clean, healthy and employed all at once. The guys at my work said they would hire me back if I want to come back, which is great. But right now I need to be somewhere else. And with my next round of the crazies kicking in, it’s time to go.
I am agoraphobic, diabetic and cancerous. Sometimes I wonder if I am also slightly schizophrenic. Every place I have ever lived with the Smoker, I have had this problem of hearing “voices”. Always the same thing, neighbors talking about how horrible we are. Threatening to throw us out and call the cops. Every time always someone down stairs who hates me. It gets so bad I have to sleep with ear plugs in. I never feel safe. I am always afraid. Which creates this weirdness within my agoraphobia. I want to be safe in my space, but I fear the neighbors so I want to go out all of the time only to become afraid again and panic to get home and hide. I literally hide all of the time now. Even missed all of my doctor’s appointments.
So I am working with a company where I use my own USB headset and work from home doing almost the same thing as what I do now, but out of my house. Stretching out my job into a home based job until I am replaced. Trying to get off the benzo train and into meds that don’t make me feel depressed or like a drug crazed sleepy head. I have so much work to do on rebuilding again. Smoker is supportive by I can tell he’s a little wigged out by me now too. However, his lazy ass is encouraging me to keep both jobs and make double comission. Hmmm.
Biggigity Switch 