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SO my last post seemed to piss off to of my closest friends. My original plans for this past weekend was to meet my friend Claudia in the city and go to an art opening and a garden party. I picked up this super cute gray dress to wear and was packed and ready to go. Drama ensued with my old roommate Charlie, as the law had finally caught up with him. He had a warrant for his arrest and had been trying to lay low. But after too much of the old drink at some bachelor party, Charlie decided to sleep in his car. Sure enough a cop came by and ran his plates, saw the warrant, and Charlie sat his ass in jail for two days.
Cut to Jill, The Smoker is picking up his paycheck and we’re running errands. I’m about an hour from jumping on the train to party the weekend away with Claudia. My hair and make up is done, my dress is on. Charlie calls, all plans are out the window. I neglected to mention any of this in my last post. It was irrelevant at the moment of writing. However, Claudia is a pretty regular reader of my blog, saw this, and took it as me blowing her off to go drink with other friends.
I did drink with other friends. BUT I did that because at that point I was frustrated that I was all dressed up with nowhere to go. And then I set off for Troubleville.
Claudia is in a very self help stage of her life right now. Her husband and she are separated. So she has been using this time to make herself more assertive and work on things.. All of this I applaud. I however was kind of surprised when her assertion turned an accusing finger to me. Her email to me was long, angry and hurtful. The gist I got from it was:
Dear Jill,
You are a liar. You aren’t there when I need you. You disappoint me. Oh and agoraphobia, fuck you! Hope you’re not mad.
Love, Claudia
Granted, this is NOT what it said. But that is what it really felt like it said. This triggered something in me that both hurt and infuriated me. How hard have I worked to get past all of my problems with agoraphobia? Has anyone noticed that I actually leave the house now? That I’m not afraid of every fucking step I take outside of my own door. That I talk to both my friends and family now. That I am nowhere near as closed off as I was. And disappointment, okay let’s talk about that. I am disappointed too. I am disappointed that this is what people think of me. That I come off as this dishonest. And what about my huge amounts of disappointment. I was homeless for almost a year. NO ONE asked me if I was ok, or offered help of any kind – even emotionally. Everyone was so caught up in their own lives no one heard me asking for help. What about when I couldn’t walk? When my Ex bashed my head into a wall and it left me physically and mentally destroyed. Not one of my friends or family came to help me. Except the Smoker – who literally nursed me. So I don’t want to hear one word about how I am a bad friend, when the way I see it, you’re all plenty bad yourselves.
Deep cleansing breaths.
I think a lot of this is hurt talking. I think I still need some time to figure out what to say next. I made bad move after I read Claudia’s email by immediately firing one off back to her. It was written completely out of anger. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have processed it more.
I’m sure everything will be fine soon enough. I made some mistakes with Claudia over the years, but I still love her very much. In a way this almost feels like a break up. I’m sure we’ll work through it. My voice needs to be heard as well I just need to find the words.
Related Articles
- Agoraphobia – All Information (umm.edu)
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