Done Fucked Up Again

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The time says 5:38 in the morning when I look at the clock by the bed. I have woken up because the acid going up and down my throat is so strong it literally burns me awake. I am lying face down and am trying to shake the fuzzy feeling from my head. I remember now – I don’t have a clock beside my bed…

Mr. Wonderful? Where are we?

Mr. Wonderful doesn’t answer, but The Smoker does. “What?” he says confused. “We’re at the Econo Lodge.”

I get up and go to the bathroom. It’s completely torn apart. I’m wearing The Smoker’s polo shirt as a night gown. I look at the sink and have a flash of me running around with the hotel provided shower cap on my head screaming about how it was how I beamed down sobriety. Ugh, I still tatse acid…. and pizza.

So apparently the legend goes like this. The Smoker and I start our well we might as well go out since you cancelled your plans journey by picking up Mr. Wonderful from work and bringing him home. We plan while we are there.  From Mr. Wonderful’s we stop home. I change and put down my bag I was going to bring to Claudia’s. We pick up some pot from a nice young fellow who lives near by. Then randomly pick a direction to head into looking for dinner options.

We end up at a Bertucci’s around 9:30. I order an Appletini and a salad. We share a chicken margarita pizza. I have another Appletini and then I am drunk! This was mistake number one.

The Smoker decides our mission is to get me as loaded as possible. He plies me with more Appletini’s. Then we drive to a different destination, TGI Friday’s happy hour. Dessert and booze for everyone! In the midst of my loud laughter and choco madness I meet a cute girl named Shana. Shana likes to wear black framed glasses, pony tails and dresses. She is half Japanese and half Polish. She love unicorns, Justin Beiber, and big ass Margaritas. I don’t remember much of our conversation except that we both agreed Elvis Costello is kind of hot as an old crooner. Turns out we had some friends in common. Turns out we were kinda vibing. I kissed her. She kissed me. Boobs were felt up, lips were licked and sucked on.

A discussion was had. We should all go get a room. A thinly veiled because we are too drunk to drive is thrown out. Really it’s so this girl and I can roll around and fuck each other. The Smoker leaves to go get us a room at the Econo Lodge since it’s close. Shana and I chat and drink. I remember saying this feels weird. The Smoker reappears in no time saying we’re good to go. My heart races and I panic. I’m thinking about Mr. Wonderful who is sitting at home with his two sons. I start thinking how I should be home with him. I start shaking and crying. I can’t do this, I’m sorry…

What I remember next is sketchy at best. Shana is disappointed and leaves with her friends she’d come with. The Smoker puts me in the car. I remember eating left over pizza. Screaming in the lobby because the room key they gave us was for a room that was already occupied. New room, watching T2 on TNT. Smoking weed, acting crazy. At some point I think I was naked and upset that I had no jammies. Which I think is how I ended up in The Smoker’s shirt. Almost vomitting, then passing out.

So it took until 9:30 for me to function enough to leave the hotel room. I felt incredibly sleazy and gross walking out of there. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong. While I don’t care to admit this, I am not entirely sure what The Smoker’s intentions were. I also am not entirely sure he didn’t do anything to me once I’d passed out. He says nothing happened. But I can’t shake this feeling like it did… and I just don’t remember.

I told Mr. Wonderful first thing this morning. But I was still quasi drunk and cloudy. I feel like a big whore. Suddenly his reading my blog doesn’t even seem to rate with how disgusting I feel about all of this. He handled it all well. Told me it’s ok, he was cool with everything, he loves me. I can honestly say I would not have been that calm about it. I am going to see him tonight or tomorrow with the kids. I think whatever was in me that needed to get out did. Now I feel kind of ready to just hand myself over to Mr. W and stop being so hot and cold about him.