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Mr. Wonderful and I have been in full on domestication mode this week. I have spent all but one day this week at home with him. He goes off to work in the morning, while I take care of errands, chores, and my own work. When he gets home in the evening I make us dinner and we sit and enjoy our time together. Our relationship feels incredibly strong. What I thought would be a week of arguments has been a week of as close to couple bliss as I have ever been.
We did have an itty bitty argument. It was my fault. I recently came down with a cold that has made me feel just awful. At the peak of feeling crappy I had to finish making dinner for Mr. W and the Smoker. It started to be too much. So rather than asking for Mr. W’s help, I lashed out and came close to full on tantrum. But we talked, and all is well. Except for me with this cold.
Aside from happy happy joy joy, I did have two events today that felt rather extraordinary. 1) I heard from Jonny for a second time. 2) I talked to my Dad for the first time in a year.
Jonny IMed me again while I was killing time on Facebook while W and S watched some sort of video game preview. I jumped up and went into a better lit room. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me for a second time. He told me our old friend Johnson just became a Dad. He was there to visit the baby. When Jonny and I were together we use to call him The Children’s Crusader. He loved kids. He was like a natural advocate for them. So it seemed so natural for him to want to be with Johnson during this time. He also told me he was living at home again and he was happy to know that I was living not 10 minutes away from him. Odd after all this time, we’re only 10 minutes apart. We talked about my grandfather’s sickness. We talked. Then in typical Jonny fashion, he just off and disappeared. I hope we continue to talk. I miss him. He was a shitty boyfriend, but an amazing friend and kindred spirit.
Not too long after Jonny stabbed another hole in my heart, my Dad called. We had a short but good talk. I’m going to stop in and see him next week. We talked about my sisters. He informed that he is now working with DCF to try and get custody of my sister T’s kids. She is living in a shelter and if for some reason she gets tossed out, they will take the kids away. But so long as they have a roof over their heads nothing can happen. My Dad was a horrible father to me and T. But now he has really turned it around. Those kids belong with him.
Talking to my Dad always feels like the right thing to do. But there is something inside of me that still feels estranged. I didn’t know him for 16 years. I tracked him down when I was a teenager and left him a message on his answering machine “Hi Rick, my name is Jill. I am your daughter. I don’t know if you know about me but I’d like to get to know you. Thanks, bye.” Meeting my father was a huge defining moment in my life. But for some reason, I always pull away. I let him love me and get to know me and then I just run.
It’s funny this is the same thing I do with the men I love. Poor Mr. Wonderful. He has no idea how many times I have left his embrace to go and freak out. Things feel so good and right with him. I think this might be THE guy. But I just can’t get out of the protect myself fuck and run mentality.
My idea is for me to see my Dad. Talk with him, as I made a date to see him next week. But not do the nice chit chat talk like I always do. Let the fucking flood gates open and let him know who I really am. Dad I smoke pot, Dad I have agoraphobia, Dad I never got over how you ignored me for so long, and when I ignore you, it’s out of spite and fear of rejection. I don’t talk to you when things are going wrong because I don’t want you to be ashamed.
Gotta get over the running away thing. Maybe then I will finally be ready to tell Mr. Wonderful, hey I got this. I’m tired of running. I’m ready to just be me and you. I’m ready to tell you I want to get married. I’m ready to admit that I want to have a baby and that I love your children and want to make a family of our own with them. I’m ready to let down my guard completely. And I will stop questioning whether I’m making a mistake. I’m just ready.
We’ll see…
Biggigity Switch 