50/50

So I got nervous and I didn’t make it to my cousin’s wake. I’ve always had issues showing up to things on my Dad’s side of the family. They make me feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. Not to mention my cousin didn’t really know me that well in life. In fact, he mistook me for my sister on multiple occasions. My sister and I look nothing alike and live in different states. So I didn’t feel that bad about deciding not to go. I did feel bad telling my sister The Smoker’s car broke down. It’s true, it did. The engine seized. It just didn’t happen on the day of the wake.

I did make it to Thanksgiving at my Aunt’s house this year. I even went by myself. It was nice, quiet. The kids are all grown. Most of the family moved away. So it was just 9 of us. Then I came home and drank a bottle of Reisling and watched Judge Judy. I got just the right amount of drunk.

I’m still dreaming about those sweet potatoes though. Man, they were good!

The Smoker decided not to celebrate this year. His father died 2 years ago, the day after Thanksgiving. He’s been very depressed about it. It’s been a big part of our problems – his depression killed his ambition to do much of anything. He didn’t do that much to begin with. Like going from a 5 to 0.

Today is Black Friday. I’m gonna try and make some decisions about Christmas shopping, and whether or not I’m going to celebrate it. I identify more as Jewish these days. I have a little Jewish blood in me from my mother’s side. I enjoy celebrating my heritage. The Smoker enjoys taking part with me and it’s the only religion he’s ever really celebrated. I do miss celebrating Christmas though. We’ve been doing it that he and I do Hannukah and then we do Christmas with both of my families. Then with his mom. It’s a lot.

Fucking Christmas. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I start my new jobby job on Monday. I’m mildly terrified of drug testing. Marijuana is legal in my state. But it just became legal, so I’m not sure how that works. If it affects anything. I should quit. But I also don’t want to quit, especially for a job that’s only a week long. So I guess we’re riding this poor decision train all the way out of the station. I already feel weird and guilty.

In Other News – The Post

Well, I have some good news. I picked up a new temporary job, and this one pays $20 an hour, as opposed to minimum wage. It’s only a week-long assignment, but it’s something that will look good on my resume. I’ll be working as an election ballot counter! Gosh, I feel so American. Lol! I am hope working a week at full-time hours will help me gear up for more future work. And future interviews. I bombed it with my little retail job, maybe this is better suited for me. I’m looking forward to learning how this whole thing works.

Now I have some bad news. The other night a young cousin of mine passed away. He was only 31. Passed in his sleep. I’m shocked at the news. We weren’t close or anything. In fact, he always mistook me for one of my sisters. (The one I dislike the most ironically enough.) I know my Dad is devastated by the loss. So really I’m going for him.

I haven’t thought about the Pathetic Loser as much. I haven’t thought about The Smoker as much either today. I just have to get through this week. So much going on I am having trouble keeping each day straight. I guess that’s a good thing as long as I can keep from getting overwhelmed. Today was phone interviews, tests, and onboarding paperwork. Tomorrow will be the wake and HOURS with my Dad’s side of the family. Then Wednesday I’ll be baking for Thursday – Thanksgiving, which will be at my Aunt’s on my Mom’s side. Friday and Saturday I plan to sleep in and recover because Sunday starts Hannukah and then Monday is the start of my new job! GAH! SO MUCH STUFF!

Just keep it cool and keep the train rolling.

Stuff is good. Learn to love being busy. It will keep you from feeling lonely and focusing on the negative. Focus on the positive! One thing at a time. One hour at a time. Shit one minute at a time if I must. *deep breath* Let’s do this.

Lonely

I wish I had friends.

I use to have tons of friends. Now I just have Toby, not that he is a consolation prize or anything. He’s a wonderful friend who I adore. He is one of the truest kindest people I have ever known and I value him so very much. But I wish I had some female friends. Or like a small crew to hang out with. I just don’t have that anymore. I’m not a highly social person.

I’m a homebody, I like little trips and little adventures. My dogs are my besties. Right now I am into knitting, reading, and Diamond Dotz. I love music, and have been told I have exceptional musical taste. I listen to lots of different genres. I love films. I love expression of all kinds.

I’m lonely a lot lately, but typically I enjoy my solitude. (Now I sound like that Adele song from 30 where she’s discussing her problems.)

Ugh. How do I move into a new chapter of my life when I am ruining it for myself? I shouldn’t have quit my job, but I got scared off. It’s too late for me to go back now.

I guess I just have to keep trying. I can feel myself wanting to give up. Just giving into this shitty marriage and this privileged life and never having my independence again. The Smoker isn’t a bad guy, but he has no end goal and no ambition, unless his life goal is to wait for his mom to die so he can collect a ridiculous payday. Oh shit – that might be true. Well if it is I hate it. I want him to want something for himself.

What do I want?

Where do we go from here?

How do I do better?

Spiraling

I have been beating myself up nonstop today. I quit a minimum wage job that was only seasonal because the lines of people were too much for me to handle. How am I going to find a regular job if I couldn’t hack this little shit job?

The Smoker said who cares. It was a piece of crap job. He said I’m better than that, that I should keep looking for something better. Then he said he believed in me, that I could do anything. So, I fucked him. Of course. Fucking stupid.

Now I’m holed up in my room. I feel very anxious. I’ve just been smoking pot and trying to figure out what I should do next. Should I wait to look for a job until after the holidays? Should I look in smaller places that won’t be quite so scary?

Why can’t I do better than this?

Pathetic Loser unfriended me officially. YES I LOOKED at his stupid Facebook profile like a god damn stalker. But it’s true. He ghosted me so hard. I wish I could just know why. I wish I could just forget about that fucker. He’s not worth a good god damn.

And then I ghosted my job. And I’m punishing myself for it. I hurt my arm somehow when I was last there. While I was unloading inventory I somehow jacked up my shoulder and arm. It’s like this constant pain reminding me I quit.

I hate everything right now.

Failure

Right now I am supposed to be at my new job. Instead I am sitting here writing about what a loser I am for quitting two days in and smoking weed. Yup, I pulled a no call no show. Now I’m the pile of shit.

I’m going to do my best to not lay around and feel sorry for myself. I already feel tremendous guilt. But at the same time, fuck that retail job. I have a good resume and I don’t know why I took the first minimum wage job that came along. I can do better than this. I probably shouldn’t have just quit. But old habits die hard. This is exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do.

FUCK

Change of Focus

OMG, I have only been doing this job for 2 days and I am already fantasizing about a day off. It’s not hard work, but it is a LOT of work. And it’s the holiday shopping season. So color me exhausted. This is going to be terrible!

My dog got mad at me and shit all over my home office while I was at work. She has not been happy with me ever since I went to the hotel for 2 nights. She typically is not a shitter. She’s usually a very good well-behaved girl. The only time she acts up is when I am away from the household. Sooo… moving out should go real well…

I am doing very well as far as leaving my love life alone. I closed my dating app account and stopped actively looking. I think this new job is enough for me right now. In a couple weeks, I’ll start looking for another better job. I don’t think men really fit into my life right now and that is a very good thing. I haven’t even thought about Pathetic Loser today, well until just now! LOL! What a pile of shit!

In other news, I have started doing some little crafty things again. I started knitting a few scarves for the holidays. I’m working on a Diamond Dotz Harry Potter project. I even ordered a new book on drawing. When I was in the Psych Ward (last year I went crazy! True story!) they taught me about being more mindful and focusing on the present. So these little projects have been very helpful when I start to feel overwhelmed.

I think all of this is good. It feels positive. I just have to stay calm and keep going.

I Put a Curse on You

I unfriended Pathetic Loser today. Seeing his stupid face on his profile made me realize how pathetic I am for falling for this guy, who, let’s face it, only has a car and a job going for him. The more I think about it the more I see that the only thing I really liked about him was all the love-bombing he did when we first started talking. He seemed like he was all about me. Then a most unceremonious poof, and he was gone. Bye, Pathetic Loser. I hope you enjoy your shitty job and your sad life that isn’t getting any better and maybe just maybe you don’t have a girlfriend because you’re a fucking ASSHOLE. You treat women like they’re disposable. I hope you are lonely and depressed forever. UGH! Ok, enough of all this negative.

In other news, I start my little discount department store job tomorrow! Well, I do the orientation tomorrow. So there’s that! Yay! Horray for getting out of the house and doing something productive, and hooray for the extra money! I am actually looking forward to this and am only mildly nervous. For me, that’s pretty great.

Now, what am I going to wear…

The D Word

TWO posts in one day?!? What is even happening right now?

Well, here I am typing away again to you, dear blog, and I don’t even know why. No, that’s not true. I do know why. I am afraid of divorce. I keep putting it off. I want to be divorced. But I am very scared of going to file. Stupid? Yes, yes it is.

I have this thing about looking and feeling stupid and how I am just bumbling like a fucking nervous version of my mom. Nope, I hate it. But the fact is I am about to start a new little public job and I might as well get used to feeling stupid in front of people as I bumble around learning how to do everything.

So why don’t I just go and get it over with? Well, the fact is The Smoker is putting it off too. He wants to wait until his car gets fixed, but that may be weeks before it’s ready at the shop. It’s going to be expensive. It’s going to take me probably until like February to save money to move, as I also need to pay bills with The Smoker and my credit card bills. UGH. SO when do we file for divorce?

I really should just do it. Fuck the right time. There’s never really a right time to do anything, is there. Well, maybe once I get my first paycheck. I know I will have to pay for The Smoker to get served. Then I have no excuse. Maybe I just picked the right time to do it…

Gosh, why does this have to be so scary and complicated?

I Want My Life Back

I have a real problem with love and loneliness. We live in a very hook-up kind of world, and I’m just not into it. Do I want to be married – NO. Do I want a boyfriend – Maybe, if the circumstances were right and everything felt good. What I think I want is to focus on myself and my career and have a regular lover, or two. Not a hook-up. Not a one-and-done situation. But someone I could trust and share my life with as well as sleep with. They just have to be honest and worth having. Because so far, I am unimpressed.

Pathetic Loser really messed me up.

The Smoker messed me up, and it continues. The relationship I just can’t seem to escape. I talked to my sister last night and she just can’t understand how after all of these years The Smoker still can’t get it together! She also was like You Need to go and find new dick…” But little does she know, I crashed and burned on that front.

Life with The Smoker is easy because we have a pattern. Unfortunately, I don’t drive, so that pattern leaves me asking for permission to go places. And I never go anywhere without HIM. I hate it. I’m over it. I want MY LIFE BACK. I miss some of the solitude, but mainly I miss doing things for myself! I miss having friends and a job and a life outside the home! FUCK! I’m dying in this relationship. I’m drowning in it. He loves me so much and I’m just floundering around in it. Desperately flipping like a fish out of water, gasping for air. Dramatic much, yes, always.

DIVORCE = INDEPENDANCE

I haven’t told anyone except my sister in my family so far. I don’t know if they will understand. I’d rather wait until the divorce is done or at least filed. My mother won’t understand. She thinks I have it made. The Smoker is on both disability and has a trust fund and a rich mother to boot. He gets what he wants. He owns the house, the car and he will most likely get the dogs too. But that’s only because it will be very hard for me to afford them in addition to rent and all the bills on my own. I am literally going to walk out on everything and start over. My mother will think I’m nuts. She won’t get why I’d walk away.

I’m very scared.

Jobby Job

Nothing like being ghosted to spark up getting off your ass and doing something with your life! I just finished doing all the paperwork for my new little jobby job. I have orientation next week! Then away I go, back to peopling. How scary! But how great too!

I have started letting go of, what’s his name? Oh yeah – Pathetic Loser. What a coward I have wasted my precious time on. What a coward I have shared intimate parts of my soul with! Nope, no more. Losers need not apply. Anyone who would straight ghost is a waste of my time period. I don’t fuck with people who do that. Weak sauce.

In a weird way, if it weren’t for that Loser ghosting me, I probably wouldn’t have started taking steps toward living on my own again. I felt rather stuck. Now I’m baby-stepping my way to doubling my income. If I can make $2K+ a month, I should be able to support myself in a new location. I just need to figure out where once I get a steady part-time job. This one is just for now and to get me back in the workflow. I feel good about this. It’s only $13 an hour, but it’s a start! I’m doing something. And who says if I like this job I can’t try applying for better positions within the company! OR if I don’t, who cares, it’s only until mid -January! It’s really a win/win.

I haven’t worked anywhere else in a while now. About 3 years, maybe 4! Gosh, that is just so bonkers! I have been running just my business that long. I started off selling handmade items, then vintage items. Now I sell clothing and accessories in one place, books and beauty in another, and stickers and pins in yet another online venue. I love packing orders. I lovvveeee selling stuff to people. But it’s isolating and lonely as Hell. I work from home completely alone. I don’t have children. So truly, I am alone here. It will be so nice to just get out for a while and be somewhere else. WORK.

Fuck that Pathetic Loser. He no longer deserves the name Mick. Mick is as in Jagger and let’s face it, Mick Jagger is a LEGEND. He’s Pathetic Loser now and forever. You know, last night I got a little hammered. I texted him Why Did U Ghost Me? I knew he wouldn’t answer it. But a part of me wanted him to get annoyed that I would text that. Maybe even feel bad for a minute. But the fact is, I am probably long gone from this dude’s memory. I know that. I know I got used. But damn do I wish I could blow up this dude’s spot somehow. Or actually SEE karma get him back.

The best revenge is living well and never looking back.

The best revenge is your paper…