Things have gone from hopeful to shit once more. Why I don’t trust my instincts, what the world is trying to give me, bring me, show me – is beyond me. I must be a glutton for punishment. I must be desperate and sad. I knew this was coming and I fucking did it anyway.
So, last time I posted I was thrilled and nervous over the possibility of a shop / office and gallery space for my business. Things were looking up. I was really doing it. Even my mom said she was proud of me.
The Smoker and I put a deposit on the place. We were going to sign the lease, but the landlord didn’t have it written up yet. So we said, oh, we’ll come back. No problem.
In two days time all of this happened. It started with that same boss / client of mine. The one that felt like a con artist. She has a space above the one we were looking into. She has been refinishing the floors. Some of the glue has been dripping from her floors, through the cracks into our soon to be floors. The agreement was suppose to be that we would add dry wall to the ceiling for a super cheap rent. We all sat in a room. Management said to her you have to put something down on the floor, our floor. She said Oh I thought you would put drop cloths in there. Than manager said, oh I thought you were doing that. She says something to the effect No, but you know what, I have pieces of old billboards I paint on. I can put some of those down to make sure nothing drips down.
We go into the space last night to measure, start purchasing some of the materials so when April came the money wouldn’t hit us so hard. We walk into the space and there is tar, dried wood glue all the SHIT all over the fucking floors. No drop cloths or billboards. Just shit everywhere. Including on the old piano I was so excited to inherit in our space. I am enraged. The Smoker starts trying to scrape it up. He’s mad too. What the fuck! He says. I storm out of there.
The Smoker and I talk. He says calm down before you call. I don’t. We are generally anxious nervous people. But sometimes my anger comes and I can’t stop it once I am pushed over that final brink. I am enraged because this is just one more thing. The final fucking thing that put me over the edge with this woman. I have been working for her since December. I assisted her in this fucking project that she has been putting together that just felt like even more dishonest con artist shit. I started to feel like a piece of shit, helping her do all of HER work. She wanted this business. She asked me to help her put it together. More and more it felt like I was doing everything while she sat around and did nothing. And that’s exactly what it became. Every word out of her mouth was bullshit. I realized I was helping her con the shit out of people via Craigslist. I tried to believe it wasn’t really happening. Now I see how fucking blind by being broke I was. She has been using me for everything.
And in this moment I exploded! I had been taken advantage of since Christmas and I was too fucking stupid to pick up on the fact that I was being conned too. The fucking floor. The whole place. It was a nightmare. I started doing the math. I would be spending over 2,000 to fix the ceiling, I was suppose to fix the counter tops, the bathroom was a mess. EVERYTHING IN THERE WOULD NEED TO BE REDONE! I grabbed The Smoker’s phone and called her. Fuck it, I told him. This is happening. He just stared at me.
I asked her why the floor hadn’t been covered and she lied to me. She’s one of those people that is very quick talking and doesn’t really shut up. I had to fight to get a single word in, even in normal conversations. This was worse. It infuriated me further. She said Oh you need to call the manager. They said they were going to cover it. Don’t you remember? I wasn’t suppose to they were. You better call them in the morning. Yeah not me. You have to talk to them. She said it over and over to me. The same sentences. I said ok. I knew full well she was lying. I just said it to shut her up. My plan was to call management and tell them there was no way in Hell I was living below this woman. She started to change the subject to business. Why was I so mad that she took the thing she had me work on alllllll weekend long and trashed it? Why was I so mad that she was trying to get the client and CREDIT CARD INFO of my fucking personal clients! Then she started telling me that I don’t have the right to be mad. I started to yell at her. Tell her how full of shit she was and I wasn’t going to fuck work with her anymore. She Immediately talked over me. telling me I didn’t really feel that way. Twisting it. I hung up on her. I fumed.
The Smoker sat there stunned. What just happened? He asked. I told him the whole thing. He was just like woah, what? Credit cards, personal info?!? One of the clients whose info she wanted was The Smokers mothers’. She is a client of mine, a doctor with a very lucrative practice. I refused to give her any info. I refused to sign any contracts. As it was, she was awful about paying me. It had gotten worse and worse, I had been swearing up and down the past two weeks that I would stop working for her after I got the last payment… She still owes me $300.
We both realized we were fucked. We just put a deposit down on this place… this fucking dump. Because of her and below her. She had talked us into it. Really to serve her own purposes since I hadn’t been taking her calls anymore. I realize that now.
So now I have to figure something else out and fast.
I have given the notice to my landlord on my place. He hasn’t rented it yet. But has informed me he has raised the rent for the next tenant. We also NEVER signed the lease for the retail space. I am expecting this guy to pull some serious punches on us and try not to give us the deposit back. Things aren’t sitting well with me. Neither of us have been able to reach this guy. I have sent THREE emails now, The Smoker has called and left messages. My fear is that this guy won’t give us the deposit back. Then i am truly truly fucked.
I feel like and idiot failure right now. This is my biggest dream to have a shop and work space. I saw what I wanted to in it. This space is a dirty dingy hole. The outside is now covered in dog shit, which we couldn’t see before because of the snow still covering. Along with all the needles and crack pipes. The side of the building someone wrote Fuck drug dealers that make you wait. We couldn’t see that with the snow before either. New England and it’s fucking 30 inches of snow that is still melting.
When I took this client, it had come from Craigslist. I am someone who has found a lot of work through CL. But when I talked to her and started working with her I had a very distinct dream. I dreamed that it was spring. That we had gone in on some sort of place of business together. Something bad happened having to do with money. She is screaming in my face. I have this feeling, this panicky fucked up feeling. I end up in court with her and some people she knows. It’s long and horrible. I remember waking up from the dream and thinking, good thing I am just assisting temporarily. I even told the Smoker about it. I had forgotten about my warning dream until this week. Even my subconscious was begging me not to work with her.
All day I have been nervous upset and intermittenly crying. I have no idea how I am going to find somewhere that I can live and work out of. How I am going to find a place to live period. Or salvage my dignity when I have to admit this happened to everyone I told about my soon to be retail space. I even questioned if this was really happening, was this woman that bad.
I was on Facebook before going to WordPress to post. I created an FB page for that awful woman’s project. She had a big meeting with all the web designers she’s been talking into helping her. I was suppose to be there to assist. I sent her an email saying I was quitting instead. Per my usual self I felt guilt and failure. I always assume it’s me. Then I saw it. ANGRY facebook posts from the people in her meeting. Calling her a con artist. Trying to use them and make money off their backs for her own good. One said Stop applying your gifts to take advantage of local people. Your actions are predatory and disgusting. In this…. I felt vindicated. But in relaity, I still have no where to go, no deposit money and nothing for my business.