Triumphant

Well, to my surprise, I spent the whole day with Mick yesterday. It was nice. We watched a movie, went out to run a quick errand, ordered pizza and just hung out. He hugged and kissed me nonstop. He also explained more about his past and previous relationships. How he’s dealing with being newly diagnosed as bipolar, and the possibility of having some kind of Cancer. Everything was true. While I was there he was getting phone calls from doctor’s offices and making preparations to be out of work for a few days to deal. He put them on speaker while he looked around for things and I heard everything.

I like Mick. I don’t know what will happen between us, but I like where things are going. I like that he really has been being honest with me. I like how he treated me. Before I left he said he wants to do a real date next time. That he thinks we should talk more often on the phone and see each other more frequently. That he has been bad with communicating with me and my getting angry about it made him realize it.

So we’ll take it slow and see where we end up. Probably doesn’t help that I slept with him twice yesterday. LOL! But you know, my version of slow probably includes sex. So slutever on that.

This Mother Fucker Part 3 : The Return of Mick

So I am Airpodding my way through my sadness. I get a Facebook message from Pathetic Loser. It says I’m Sorry. I ignore it. I get a text from him, it says I’m sorry. Another Facebook message “I overslept and then got upset and I’m sorry.” He keeps messaging me. I finally say Then why do you keep blowing me off?

He starts saying please text me. We need to talk, etc. He apologizes again and again and says he’s so sorry. That all of these things really did happen. That if anything he’s nervous to let me in, which I completely understand. He says he really is having health problems, he really did get called into work and he really did oversleep. So after more apologizing, I agree, I will meet him tomorrow. If he blows me off again, then we are done for real. I will delete him completely from my life. No more chances.

Then he calls me and we talk for close to an hour. Things felt good. I feel like I still have my guard up quite a bit, but it was a pleasant conversation.

So is this the grand gesture and the triumphant return of Mick Jagger? Or is this going to be the heartbreaking return of Pathetic Loser? My heart is beating like a mile a minute right now.

I swear if he blows me off again I’m going to call him and give him a piece of my mind.

What if he doesn’t blow me off? What do I do then? My whole angry tirade was because I really like this guy and I have real feelings developing. If we actually see each other…. I can see a spark fanning into a flame.

This whole thing is just bonkers! Bonkers I tell you!

The Soundtrack to Heartbreak

So I am nursing my double broken heart today. As January approaches I am getting closer to D-Day with the Smoker. D-ivorce. I’ll have the money to get this going in early January. I’m also dealing with the final fallout with Pathetic Loser. I haven’t regretted telling him fuck this shit. But I am super sad that he didn’t even try to muster an excuse or make any kind of gesture or speak to me at ALL. Which really is just like the final lack of respect for me. But why the fuck do I still like him? I feel like I’m retraining my brain to not think about him anymore. It sucks.

So I got a new pair of AirPods today and I am just relentlessly rocking my break-up playlist.

Highlights include:

Sorry – Beyonce

Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects

Breaking Up Slowly – Lana Del Rey & Nikki Lane

I’m Sick of You – The Stooges

Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Don’t Hurt Yourself – Beyonce & Jack White

Break My Heart – Dua Lipa

This Mother Fucker Part 2

Well, here it is. Another day and another planned date with Mick, and what a fucking shock, this mother fucker stood me up AGAIN. THREE TIMES this guy has disappeared on me. I was supposed to meet him at 9am. Text number one at 8am from me, just saying hey and that I’m running a little behind. My message is read. I send a second message like 30 minutes later saying I’m getting in the shower, haven’t heard from him. Did he still want to do this?

He doesn’t read it. He doesn’t respond.

I wait.

10:00 still unread and no response. I finally just have the conversation with myself. This has been three times. I don’t like this. I don’t like the way this guy is treating me. He’s hung up on me, no call no show, he never seems to give a shit about my time or my feelings. How can he possibly like me?!? And then it occurs to me, hello, maybe I’m like the practice girl! I’m the piece of ass before the girlfriend comes along. Even if I’m not, the way I feel is not ok.

SO I texted him. Around 10:30 I sent a text and I plainly said Fuck this shit. You’re clearly not that into me. Then I deleted it from my texts so I couldn’t spy and wait to see how long it was until he read it. I haven’t heard a word from this Mick mother fucker. So we are again crowning him The Ghoster, The Pathetic Loser.

I know no one is perfect, but jesus, I feel like I was more than fair here. Not one word. Not one! Which really only goes to prove my point that he couldn’t have been all that into me. Fucker. Twat. Stupid piece of turd. Now I gotta pick up the pieces again and nurse yet another broken heart from this jerk. JERK JERK JERK.

I’ll be fine soon enough. But maybe tomorrow I’ll take it easy and focus on me. Heal. I can’t believe I gave him so many chances…. sad face.

This Mother Fucker Right Here

Well since I last posted things have gotten…. weird.

The Smoker is still laid up with an injured leg. His leg was gangrenous. He has been visiting wound care at the hospital. Luckily, they didn’t have to cut anything. His diabetes is under control and he is on the mend. We are still getting divorced. I paid to have a divorce place draw up our divorce papers and have since received them. Now I just need to get the next $360 together to actually file. As soon as I do it’s a done deal.

I’ve been continuing to talk to Mick Jagger aka Pathetic Loser aka The Ghoster. Things started to get comfortable between us again and we made a date. He got called into work so our date was canceled. We made a new date for tonight. I was very excited because I was going to his place for the first time. Things started to feel like they were going somewhere. Today I hear from him around noon that he’s at the doctor’s and he’s scared. I’m like what’s going on? So he calls me and tells me he has a lump in his right breast, he’s taking a week off from work to deal with it.

Now this is serious. But I’ve also seen enough Catfish to know that sometimes people create scenarios in which sympathy is created to bail on stuff. I don’t know if that is the case here. I don’t know Mick well enough to determine if he is that kind of guy. I’m also having feelings of total straight fear. Mick knows I am a Cancer survivor. no one knows better than me what chemo can be like at its worst (I was stage 3, endometrial, breast, and lung cancer.) So I am also terrified for Mick. It’s very confusing.

Only time will tell what is really going on. I feel like such an asshole even saying that.

The Guilt

The Smoker is coming home from the hospital today. I have to say I am really feeling the guilt. I am going to stay long enough to get him back on his feet again. But I still want a divorce. I am very angry with him. He spent a lot of time lying to me and his mom about what was really wrong with him. Turns out he is diabetic and it took him being on verge of leg amputation (yup it was that bad) for him to tell us anything was wrong. Luckily, no cutting is necessary and his body is on the mend.

The doctors said he will need a lot of aftercare. A visiting nurse will be coming to show me how to care for his leg and help him while he heals. He took care of me while I was sick during our marriage and before. Although I do have to admit I am still angry with him for cheating on me while I went through Cancer. I am still unsure of whether or not what I did was cheating, I think I am just feeling guilty. It’s not like I hid anything from him. And he did ask me not to tell him when and if I was seeing anyone.

I have been talking to Mick since he messaged me. We’ve managed to work things out for the most part. But I am still unsure if I want to see him again. I’m not sure if I trust him to not screw me over again.

I am still very focused on my career and finding the right position for me. I am waiting to hear about a second interview for one job, and just finished a bunch of online testing for another. I also put my name into the temp agency I just finished the last gig for. Fingers crossed something comes along. The right something.

Scary Evening

The Smoker went to the hospital in an ambulance this evening. He has a very very infected wound on his leg that just started gushing blood. He will be in the hospital for a few days. I am home taking care of our dogs and home. Because of COVID I wasn’t able to ride in the ambulance with him or go to the hospital to see him.

So i am home alone and a little tipsy. I have been talking to the Smoker intermittenly. Also talking to the Pathetic Loser….

An Update

I started my temp job as an election counter. In fact, the job ended today. It was a great experience! I learned a lot, I enjoyed getting out and working. I enjoyed my awkward version of socializing. The work itself was a bit monotonous, but it was good. And I made great money! In fact, the job was supposed to be one day longer, but we finished it up so fast, that they decided to pay us for the extra day too!

I enjoyed my experience so much so, that I contacted the temp agency that hired me on for the project and asked them to please add me to their available temps’ list! So maybe I’ll get another interesting little job!

A weird thing happened while I was in the break room looking at my phone today. I got a message from PATHETIC LOSER!!!!!! I swear, it’s like the second you get over a guy and start to move on – they like know it. A little sensor goes off. The message said ” Hi I’m at work, I know you hate me but you deserve an answer (to why I was being ghosted) My life got real difficult, my daughter got sick I got sick my car broke down been working 55 hours a week. But I hope we can talk again, I miss it and I’m soooooooo sorry.” I shit you not, this really fucking happened.

I’m still angry.

But I also kind of get it.

We talked briefly tonight. I don’t know how I feel about him or anything anymore. So I said I wasn’t sure how I felt about talking to him and I’d discuss it this weekend. Honestly, I want to think on it.

In other news, I also did a Zoom job interview this week for an admissions position for a beauty school. If I passed it, there will be a second interview this coming week. I’m nervous to see what happens next!

It’s been a crazy week. What does life hold for next week, hopefully, more work!