The First Night

I spent last night with Mr. Wonderful. Within five minutes of walking through the door, my clothes were off and I was enjoy some very passionate foreplay. Mr. Wonderful proved himself to be even more so. He showed me where my G-spot is.

First off, I had always thought that the G-spot was a myth. I was very much so proven wrong. I have never felt pleasure so intense. It was just explosive.I am sure it helped that it was him providing me that pleasure.

Second, I had 3 orgasms through out our messing around. We still haven’t had sex. We tried but, it didn’t really work out. We’re getting there. I think Mr. Wonderful still has some mental road blocks to conquer. Every time I see him it seems to get a little easier and better. I am very confident that once we can get to that point, it will be fantastic.

So I stayed at his place last night. I had some trouble sleeping only because I’d left my ear plugs at home. I did feel a little weird when I woke in the morning. It scared me for a moment. I was hoping to wake up to Mr. Wonderful’s hands all over me. Instead he woke and went to get us some breakfast. This was very thoughtful. He also brought back cupcakes,  one of my favorite treats! That was sweet. But I couldn’t escape this weird feeling of estrangement.

I think it’s me. I think that staying with him so soon, even thought I wanted to, scared me. I am still super happy, and very much so in love. Somewhere along the way fears were triggered for me. And I can’t shake them just yet.

Mr. Wonderful

I had a very interesting day today. My day started with all sorts of sweet things from Mr. Wonderful. You know, a girl could get use to this. This girl has never been so in love.

But with all of this great joy I’m feeling, I am feeling an equal amount of pain. I talked to The Smoker today. I had mentioned a few days ago to him that I was going to go out with Mr. Wonderful. He seemed not to quite hear it. So today he said something to me about buying a ring for me. This took me completely by surprise. My response was probably not the best. Shocked, I said “what the fuck are you talking about?!?”  From there things went to screaming. Then they ended with The Smoker saying “This is really it, we’re done?” I nodded yes. He cried and chain smoked. I cried and felt guilty.

Mr. Wonderful came over for dinner. It was not the romantic plan I’d had in mind. I was going to cook something decadent and pull out my heart shaped candle holders and do the whole thing. I planned to wear my purple goddess looking dress with my hair up. But I was so stunned that by the time Mr. Wonderful had gotten here, all I’d done was shower.

My night with him was great, as always. We fooled around again. Things are  by far getting better in that department. Every time gets a little more intense. I was extremely satisfied. We still haven’t slept together. But I am okay with that. I think I am waiting because I want it to be kind of special. He is the best guy I have ever been with, he was a great friend to me, now he’s a great partner. I am so crazy about him. I hope with everything in my being that this feeling I have will last. Every time I look into his big gorgeous eyes, I melt. Every time he kisses me, my heart flutters. Every time he touches me, my body pleads for more. God help me, I love this man.

I talked to my best friend Claudia today. She is currently living in Finland, but will be coming home in about a month. I am very excited to see her. We talked about Mr. Wonderful. She said she was so happy to see me this happy after all I’d gone through with my Ex. Seems as thought they like each other already, which I am ecstatic about. I look forward to having both of them in the same room.

Everything else in my life is a little tough right now. I am handling it all as best as I can.  I’m dealing with everything one thing at a time. I think as long as I can keep up with everything, I will get through it all. Hopefully better and stronger for it.

From Loompaland

After tonight, I have decided that The Joker has moved up in my world, we will now be calling him: Mr. Wonderful.

My day started with a message from him that began “Hey gorgeous…” What a way to start my morning. I was already smiling. He asked me for my shirt size. I thought it was kinda weird. Turned out he bought me 2 t-shirts he thought were funny, thought I’d like them. Okay – so I am floored by this. It was so out of the blue and thoughtful.

I sent him little love notes all day. Made some jokes, had some fun. I loved it.

I talked to my mother, and I’ll be heading to my family’s for a few days as my grandfather goes through the 3rd round of chemotherapy. My grandfather has a form of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It’s running through his entire blood stream, think anemia to the extreme. This dose of chemo will be the strongest and they will be including a new drug. I will probably be gone a few days and pooped out when I come home. No one cooks or cleans, my Gramps is too tired to do his laundry. The stress of taking this on again and thinking about my sister (who I have to wire money to today!) Made get sick this afternoon.

Mr. Wonderful will be slightly on hold while I take care of things. I’ll still talk to him, but mostly on the phone and online. I’m looking at this as a good thing. I think having the breathing room will be good for me, I’m going to try and work while I am there. I think in a weird way this will strengthen the foundation of what Mr. Wonderful and I are building.

My one big awkward moment in my other wise perfect day, was I cried in front of him. YUP! I cried in front of him. I am a crazy girl. It was like being some kind of weird alien who didn’t know social customs. I felt like I’d come from Loompaland and he was just staring at my big orange head.  I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject. Mr. Wonderful and I have been fooling around, but he hasn’t orgasmed yet. This kind of concerns me, but at the same time he insists it’s no big thing and he is enjoying himself. The logical side of me chalks this up to the newness of us being together and nerves. The illogical side says it’s because he hasn’t really been with anyone since his ex wife. Maybe there is still some feelings there. I’m fighting with myself so hard to stay strong. I immediately start to shut off. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore…it’s going to make me cry.”

He convinces me to talk about it anyways. The tears are running down my face. I feel like a total baby. I feel this twinge of hurt in my chest. Why? It is way too soon for me to be crying. And to be crying about someone who isn’t even a thing – and hasn’t been for so long! But that scared part of me emerged, silently saying please, please don’t tell me it’s because of that. Please only want me. Can’t you see, I only want you? I have it so bad for this man. I have just let myself be so honest with him – I can’t take the rejection.

So we talk about that. He reassured me that he was 100% in it with me. That he hadn’t thought of her like that in a very long time. That he only thinks about me. that the real problem is HIS fear of rejection. That the divorce really rocked him. But that he is happier now then he has been in years. He said he’s slowly working through it, and he couldn’t do it without me. His face looked so sad.

In retrospect, I think a big part of my knee jerk reaction stems from being treated like crap for the past 3 years. In the matter of days, I have been treated better by Mr. Wonderful than I have been by, well, mostly everyone I have ever been with.  The thought of that disappearing was unnerving.

Ultimately, I think there are things in me that I need to start letting go of. I think this is my shot at getting it right. And that won’t happen if I can’t just accept it.

I’m Not in Love…

Every once in a blue moon, being crazy pays off.

I had this belated birthday party for my friend Shy tonight. It was amazing. I was actually able to have all of my favorite people in the same room. The Joker, The Smoker, Shy and my roommate Charlie. We had this fantastic chocolate cake, meatloaf and a ton of veggies.

All night long The Joker kept trying to steal these little moments with me. It was sweet. I would get embaressed when he would look into my eyes and have to break his gaze. When we all went to bring everyone home, I said I “had to use his bathroom” and ran straight into his arms. Every kiss was better then the one before it.

It hit me like a sack of bricks as I got back into the car, trying to pretend I was composed and fine. I have known this guy for almost 10 years. I have always had a crush on him. It occurred to me that maybe he felt it too. There was the biggest spark I have ever felt hidden within those kisses. I couldn’t let it go. Remember that song from the 70’s or 80’s called I’m Not in Love? It was playing in my head. Then like a sack of bricks, I was falling in love.

Really there was more to it then that. The past few days we’ve been exchanging music. Lyrics striking poignantly that something was blossoming. Every time we’ve talked everything just clicked. Love love love. Tonight my heart sang in confirmation.

Being the crazy girl that I am, I sat in my apartment obsessing. Was it me? Only me feeling these feelings. Couldn’t take the questions – I had to know, it all felt too right. So I did the old internet stalking and found him. “Hey, I wanna tell you something,” I said “Are you available?” He said he was a little busy editing but what’s up. I poured my heart out. Threw it all on the line. I told him every gory detail. I didn’t want to be friends or dating, I wanted to be with him – only him. That he was in my heart my mind. That I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Even said I was falling in love with him. To my surprise and relief, he said he felt the same way. It was magic. We went back and forth pouring out our feelings. Turns out after all of these years, he’s had a crush on me too.

The part that made me feel like I’d made the smartest decision ever, he said to me and I QUOTE “Jill, you are everything.” It was as if he’d read my mind loud and clear. I mean just look at my older posts! I literally said I want someone who looks at me like I am everything. Maybe I have spent all this time not battling an addiction, but just running scared. This feels so right. This feels like what I have been thinking about. I actually do feel ready now. I am going to try to keep my heart open, say how I feel, and not be afraid of being hurt. I think that is the right thing to do. I think he is worth the risk.

Crazy Lady

A Facebook friend of mine from high school wrote a post today saying that she couldn’t stand those people that just go from one man to the next. That your self worth is more important than having a man. That a man shouldn’t be a staple in your life. Reading it, I felt like a fool.

It’s only been about 3 months since I split from my Ex. In that time I have gone from a brief affair with The Smoker to dating The Joker. And BEFORE I even split with my Ex I was talking to Rickets. So that makes me pretty low on the self esteem totem pole I suppose.

I love men. However, I think part of my problem is this ridiculous delusion I have about romance and Mr. Right loving me like no one else has. That it will be magical and wonderful and we’ll run off and get married and have kids. It’s unrealistic and crazy to think that could happen.

I have slowed down on obsessing about The Joker over the weekend. I have cut down my contact with The Smoker this weekend as well.

However, there is one big issue still looming over head right now. My sister T has been having trouble lately. She is jobless, she has no education, she married and divorced the 2 biggest losers on the planet, she has two kids under 10 and she is falling apart. In an effort to ease the family stress I have offered to take her kids in the Fall. This apparently isn’t going to work.  T said she needs some down time fast and the kids need some normacy. She wants me to take them NOW and to send her money while i am at it.

My current living situation involves 4 people coming and going at all hours. I know I can help those kids and make them so so happy. I want to so badly. It kills me to even think about what they are going through right now. My sister can’t afford to feed them at the moment. I need to figure out a way to make this work. But how?

My other problem is this: in the real world, I tell everyone that I HATE kids. this couldn’t be further from the truth. I love children and I desperately want to have my own someday. I have a disease that may not allow this to happen for me. I am so scared that I will take on T’s kids and get very attached. I promised her I would never take custody or parental rights away from her, which is ultimately why she agreed to let me take them for a bit. Ah, what to do, what to do…

Possession

As you can tell I wasn’t entirely successful in my whole I am going to avoid the internet vow. I did pretty well considering. I did things today that made me happy. I bought a new pair of shoes and some new panties. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I made some new Playlists to listen to. The only time I went online was to check my email and to promote an interview I did for another blog. Oh and to post this! So, overall, I did good.
I did not entirely stop myself from talking to The Joker. I think that was a bad move on my part that only fueled his anger today. It seemed as though when I did try and chat with him I’d walked into the middle of a shit storm. So I avoided him. I will probably continue to avoid him for a bit.
I am in that weird nervous stage. I can’t relax because I don’t know if The Joker and I will end up together or not. It makes me a little twitchy to think about it. I want to be with him, because I can’t get him off my mind. But it very much so feels like it si against my better judgement. A big part of me just wants to forget about him all together. No more drama, no more distractions from what I should be focusing on – me and my “career”. Most importantly, it would eliminate possibilities of hurt.
I act very tough. I talk a big talk outwardly to people. But inside I know that the real problems in relationships for me is that I am way too sensitive. I act tough because I am a raw nerve. I hurt so easily and when I do it is just easier to get mad and hold a grudge than to feel the pain. I open my heart and forget that not everything said and done is not personal or geared toward me.
I am saying all this because in that 2 minute moment where I talked to the Joker, I immediately felt hurt that he wasn’t happy to talk to me. My mind KNOWS it was not my fault he was upset, it was completely outside of my control. My heart however flies out my chest only to run into traffic and get run over.
Ugh, why can’t I just be normal. Why can’t I cool it on liking this guy and NOT feel like an internet stalker!

“Possession”

by Sarah McLachlan

Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I’ve stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander,
it’s morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won’t be denied

And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear

Listen to For You

This Whole World’s Wild at Heart and Weird on Top

I went out with The Joker tonight.  I am reeling.

Everything I had been fantasizing about….happened. I have so many feelings about it. Part of me is so blind, I can’t see anything but him. The other part of me is terrified, completely utterly terrified.

I wore this blue gauze strapless dress, a little light cardigan and kitten heels. I did my nails, my hair, even wore a bit of make up. I felt sexy. Something I normally don’t get to feel these days. It was exhilerating.

He kissed me again and again. I was melting right into him. When he began to touch me, I couldn’t say no. I wanted it so bad. I wrestled in my head. I didn’t want my heart to swell, but it did.

I was so nervous. I think he was too. We didn’t sleep together, for that I am rather relieved. Even though I wanted it pretty badly, I am glad that it hasn’t happened yet. I really like this guy, if it’s going to work, it can’t be like it has been. It needs to be right. It needs to be special. I want romance.

I think for the most part I did get some romance, passion, and I detected a hint of…well you know…the thing I dare not speak of.

In an effort to stay in control of myself and doing things right, I have vowed the rest of the weekend as an internet free weekend. I am going to try and do constructive things to better myself like read, be creative, cook, maybe even buy myself some perfume and undies. I am going to make a solid effort to not think about The Joker. I am not ready for my heart to be feeling these things yet. So hopefully I make it through my internet celibacy!

God Only Knows

I have already failed myself. I have just begun this whole “trying not go man crazy” thing and I am already swooning over someone. Full on swoon mode!

The Joker, all day long I tried to catch him, talk to him – I internet stalked him. I couldn’t even stop myself. I feel like a crazy obsessed person. I started to deal with my weirdness and try to make myself not think about him. Over analyzing is my specialty! So of course when he is out of my mind around 10ish he pops online and starts chatting with me as I am chatting with my two sisters. Eventually they to head off to do their own thing. He and I are left chat.

We talked about a lot of things. Mostly sex and music. He’d send me video links to songs that were expressing things I wanted to tell him. Was that on purpose? Was he thinking the same thing?  This time it seemed like he was paying attention. Like what I had to say wasn’t on the back burner, and I wasn’t just the side dish. This time it kind of felt like I was the full course meal.

We connected on a different level this time. I could feel myself wanting to open my heart to him. I just want to cover him in kisses. But with swooning comes fear, anxiety and pain. I know I am not ready. I want to be ready! How could I be ready when I am so afraid of being hurt, lied to, betrayed, abandonned, and worst of all ignored. This is my baggage and I can’t check it at the door.

I really like this guy.

I am seeing him tomorrow night. I am so excited I can barely stand myself.

No one has ever made love to me. I have had lots of sex. I have fucked a billion times. Never have I been slowly gently lovingly been made love to. I keep hoping the next time I sleep with someone in that capacity, we will make love. I keep fantasizing that it will be with him…

And what of The Smoker? He is still here, trying, loving, waiting for me. I think more and more these days that the age difference is the biggest factor. That his maturity level may not be there yet. I can’t let him go yet. I can’t do that to him. I feel the constant guilt ever time I think about the Joker while The Smoker is looking right at me and pining. I feel horrible. I am horrible. And I can’t quit.

Are You There God, It’s Me, Biggigity

I have a bit of an addictive personality. When I like something I can tend to go over board. My current issue I am battling is my problem with men. I think I am addicted to them. I think I have a boyfriend addiction.

I love men! I love having attention from men! Even bad attention is pretty good. I will tolerate a lot just to be able to have someone flirt with me. Case in point, there is a guy I went out with about 7 years ago. We’ll call him Rickets. Rickets and I didn’t talk again until recently. Right after my break up, he immediately started coming around. I kissed him even though he had a girlfriend – just for the attention. They split up and he started focusing a lot of his attention on me. I don’t even like him. Not in any romantic way at all! But I talk to Rickets all the time, just to have someone interested in me. THIS is a problem.

The guy that I am very interested in currently is The Joker. I really like him. I really want things to happen with him. I am trying to be cool. I am trying to take control and not run right into the arms of a man and rush into Boyfriend Land. I am trying to take it slow, and do it right. But I of course faulter at this. I check my email non-stop, I check my Facebook non-stop just in hopes of talking to him. I can’t stop myself from obsessing over whether or not he likes me. If I continue on this route I will fall back into old patterns.  I will run head first into a relationship i don’t even know is right for me.

So I am treating this as an addiction. I am cutting myself off from Rickets. I am going to unplug my Netbook this weekend and find something productive to do. AND I am going to try NOT net stalking The Joker and ruining everything. One day at a time, right?