Lonely

I wish I had friends.

I use to have tons of friends. Now I just have Toby, not that he is a consolation prize or anything. He’s a wonderful friend who I adore. He is one of the truest kindest people I have ever known and I value him so very much. But I wish I had some female friends. Or like a small crew to hang out with. I just don’t have that anymore. I’m not a highly social person.

I’m a homebody, I like little trips and little adventures. My dogs are my besties. Right now I am into knitting, reading, and Diamond Dotz. I love music, and have been told I have exceptional musical taste. I listen to lots of different genres. I love films. I love expression of all kinds.

I’m lonely a lot lately, but typically I enjoy my solitude. (Now I sound like that Adele song from 30 where she’s discussing her problems.)

Ugh. How do I move into a new chapter of my life when I am ruining it for myself? I shouldn’t have quit my job, but I got scared off. It’s too late for me to go back now.

I guess I just have to keep trying. I can feel myself wanting to give up. Just giving into this shitty marriage and this privileged life and never having my independence again. The Smoker isn’t a bad guy, but he has no end goal and no ambition, unless his life goal is to wait for his mom to die so he can collect a ridiculous payday. Oh shit – that might be true. Well if it is I hate it. I want him to want something for himself.

What do I want?

Where do we go from here?

How do I do better?