Spiraling

I have been beating myself up nonstop today. I quit a minimum wage job that was only seasonal because the lines of people were too much for me to handle. How am I going to find a regular job if I couldn’t hack this little shit job?

The Smoker said who cares. It was a piece of crap job. He said I’m better than that, that I should keep looking for something better. Then he said he believed in me, that I could do anything. So, I fucked him. Of course. Fucking stupid.

Now I’m holed up in my room. I feel very anxious. I’ve just been smoking pot and trying to figure out what I should do next. Should I wait to look for a job until after the holidays? Should I look in smaller places that won’t be quite so scary?

Why can’t I do better than this?

Pathetic Loser unfriended me officially. YES I LOOKED at his stupid Facebook profile like a god damn stalker. But it’s true. He ghosted me so hard. I wish I could just know why. I wish I could just forget about that fucker. He’s not worth a good god damn.

And then I ghosted my job. And I’m punishing myself for it. I hurt my arm somehow when I was last there. While I was unloading inventory I somehow jacked up my shoulder and arm. It’s like this constant pain reminding me I quit.

I hate everything right now.