Let the Healing Begin

OK! OK! NEW RULE! I don’t fuck anyone. Maybe I’ll just try celibacy for a while. And adjust to being alone forever…

I’m 42 years old. That’s it, I’m done. Closed for business.

Irrelevant.

Ugh.

The Smoker…

Maybe Mick was a distraction from the real issue – I’m divorcing The Smoker. 

It doesn’t change the fact that what Mick did hurt tremendously. 

Or the guilt from knowing that I am hurting The Smoker tremendously.

I’m going to heal at my own pace. Every feeling I have hurts right now.

My body is a temple that I am about to stuff full of french fries. 😦

I’ve taken up smoking suddenly. I’m chain-smoking weed. 

This isn’t really self-care, is it?

I think I’m going to try and focus on doing better than this. 

I ain’t fucking with nobody.

The good news is that I am starting a new job next week! I got a little part-time job at a department store for the holiday season. 1) It will get me out of the house. 2) It will be extra money to help me save up to move out. 3) It won’t affect my current job of running a part-time business from home. 4) If I do well, they may hire me as a regular employee. And 5) I’ll meet new people! Cause lord knows I only have one really good friend, my bestie is a guy named Toby. Even he doesn’t know about my little indiscretion with Mick. Just you and I in this secret mess of mine. But I could certainly use more friends!

As someone who has been agoraphobic for years, these are all huge steps, and I am staying calm and doing what I need to do. I’m proud of myself today.

The Ballad of Mick

In the back of my mind I think about my superego. Am I a brat? A narcissist? Is this my karma coming back to get me? The fact is that I have not yet filed for divorce. I am still living with my husband. Does that make me a piece of shit? For starting to move on already? We aren’t together. But we aren’t apart. I feel guilty….  But I also feel freed.

My husband, The Smoker, is a friend. A dear old friend. I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t think I ever was. I loved him as a person. As a human in this world, I will always love him. But as a romantic partner, he makes me feel dead inside and I hate myself for it. 

I feel like I’m slowly going insane. 

My text is still unread. It says Delivered, so he didn’t block me. He’s just ignoring me….

Great.

I have a music playlist for just about every occasion. While I do not have a being ghosted by the guy you were falling for playlist, I do have a playlist called The Break Up. I’m listening to the song Gives You Hell by The All-American Rejects. It is so nicely summing up all the bitter feelings I have right now. But then as I am a glutton for punishment, I move on to a new playlist made by someone else called Break Up Songs for Sad Bitches and I for sure am the saddest bitch there is right now. The playlist opens with A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant To Be by Jess Benko. I am wrecked by this song. A stranger who knows all my secrets can pull me apart and break my heart. A soulmate who wasn’t meant to be. My heart is aching.

What did I do? This Mick Jagger, this Valentino, Lothario. This adorable human that I am missing right now and am helpless to the pain of. I am love’s bitch right now. Between The Smoker and Mick, my brain won’t let me rest. 

The loneliness is a bit relentless.

I actually read an article about being ghosted and how important self-care is after something like that happens. That depending on the situation it can feel traumatic. So I’m trying to keep myself busy. Treat myself with care. 

What did I do wrong?

Mick, we could have had something. 

This is weird. 

Because part of me is like, you’re an idiot to not be into me. I’m amazing and you should have picked up on that. And you sucked in bed anyways! I just really liked you and forgave the 2 minutes of penetration. But let’s face it Sweety, I didn’t cum. I’m hung up on this guy and I didn’t even get off! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I didn’t fake anything, I enjoyed the foreplay that happened. But the sex itself was awful. I never finished. But he nutted away. 

I’ll get over it. But boy do I have a broken heart.

Straight Ghosted

Am I bad at sex?!? NO FUCKING WAY! My brain can not accept that as an answer. I have always been the kind of person that the more comfortable I am with someone, the more I open up sexually. And honestly, this guy seemed HELLA VANILLA. Like I would have rocked his dick off if given more of a chance. What the fuck happened? I’ve never been straight ghosted so hard. 

I shaved. I showered. I took a bath before putting on what I thought was a sexy dress and sheer lace jacket. I liked the way I looked. I tried to smile pretty and touch him often. He did the same. I was relieved when he kissed me. His kiss was the same as my own. 

I have to let it go. I have to let him go. I have to accept that something in his world went wrong. That his deciding to just forget me and not even give the courtesy of let’s be friends or it’s not you it’s me, or I’m just too busy for a girlfriend right now. I shouldn’t be pining. I should be happy he left before things got really involved. 

You’re a fucking asshole. 

You’re a coward.

Your game is weak.

I’m now on day 7. Still no word from him. My text messages are getting delivered, but he’s not reading them. I sent one that just said “Hi.” Then I sent one asking if everything was ok. If his daughter was ok. If he was ok. Just to know. Just in case. 

I’m pathetic.

I never said I wanted anything from you. When you asked me what I wanted in a relationship (your words) I was honest. I said I wanted to be with someone who was as passionate about me as I was about him. That’s it. When I asked you, you said you wanted a girlfriend. I said let’s see what happens. I didn’t jump in and say oh PLEASE MAKE ME YOUR GIRLFRIEND while desperately humping your leg and crying. Nope. I never even said relationship. I said let’s see what happens. Because I’m getting divorced. Because I was just married and I failed at marriage. I’m failing at the whole Game of Life right now. I just wanted to enjoy you for a little bit longer. 

Where Have I Been!?!

Well, it’s been a few….years. But here I am blogging away again in my Biggigity Switch confessional. I am now 42 years old. I am married to the Smoker, but seeking a divorce. Married 4 years. So, I guess we are separated now. We haven’t filed for divorce yet. We still live in the same house. I just recently started trying to create a new life for myself. I am applying for part-time jobs to supplement my income, the goal being to pay down our bills and leave.

My husband is still the Smoker he’s always been. It’s me that’s changed.

Now here is my first confession:

One night sometime after deciding to get divorced, but before filing for divorce, on an October night deep into Fall, I met someone. We connected instantly. It was like electricity. We talked non-stop for days. It felt endless.

We were very sexually charged. But we also had a genuine interest in each other and our lives. At least I thought we did. 

When we meet again in person, it’s in a hotel room. 

It was inevitable that we were going to sleep together.

I felt so comfortable.

You came in an instant. 

And then we just hung out. And I thought we were connecting and finding our language. I thought we were vibing and flowing. We had this interesting history entwining us already. We told each other about our families and friends. Our pasts. We sat naked accepting the flaws, and eventually, we dress. 

You say you want to leave and go get something to wear for tomorrow and come back and stay the night. I give you a room key. 

I kiss you goodbye. 

I smell you in the sheets. On my dress. 

You send me a message. 

Your kid is sick.

You can’t come back, but will call me shortly. You will definitely come back the next night.

Then nothing.

I’m in love all by myself – with the ghost of you.

And a memory.

What I would call that lies somewhere between cheating and freeing myself. I haven’t heard from this man since our “date”. Tomorrow makes one week since it happened. For the sake of recording all of this, we will call him Mick, like Jagger, but just Mick.

So I am in limbo now. Trying to forget you, but can’t. Don’t want to, but have to.

I am questioning my very core of self. Am I a whore for what I did? No one knows it even happened.

I know.

I hurt.

Heartbroken over the wrong man.

Did you mean to make this a one-night stand? Was it always the plan? Were you desperate to leave? Did I do something? Did something terrible happen? Did your kid get really really sick? Did it get to you? Come on skinny love what happened here?

The funny thing is I will probably obsess over this longer than we even spoke. How could I have been so wrong? The attraction felt so strong. Sure there was a little bit of awkwardness. But I always thought that’s what comes with the first time with someone, doesn’t it?