I started rereading this blog last night. I started from the very beginning and read straight through until now. Wow, am I totally fucked up. I really have a problem with love, men and commitment. I also wish I had posted more to this when I was in the crux of Cancer and living at my father’s. It was a bit of a turbulent time. Reading some of this reopened some of those old wounds. So perhaps a moment to reflect and update.
What ever happened to “Mr. Wonderful”. He was a very hot topic in the early posts of my confessional. Initially I had nick named him The Joker. He had become Mr. Wonderful once a relationship developed. We actually a little bit over the summer thanks to the magic of Facebook. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he is a friend. But we did have a conversation about what happened between us and how things kind of just spontaneously combusted between us. Essentially it boiled down to the pressure of me being so sick so early in our relationship. I think we really felt something for one another. It was a pretty solid relationship for a while there. But I think Mr. Wonderful’s baggage can be a bit self destructive in nature, as is mine. If the Cancer didn’t happen I’m sure we could have easily lasted a few years. I have moments where I seriously miss the conversations and tenderness of our life together. When it was good it was amazing. But when it was bad… it was soul sucking shit. Knowing what I know now about him, sooner or later I would have had issues and left. You can’t have to overly opinionated dominant personalities in a relationship like that. We were very competitive with one another as well. I am a much stronger person than I was then. There would have been a fight, power struggle, argument of some kind to end things. He has gone back to his old habits financially from what I have heard and is unemployed and living with a relative. More proof that I made the right decision.
Where is The Reader now a days? Every once in a blue he pops up on Facebook and sends me some silly message to say hello. He never made any real effort beyond a phone call with me. He was drunk 99% of the time towards the end of our phone chats. I think he may even still be using on occasion, but he would never tell me that. He has had a lot of help with his sex abuse issues, but is now dealing with his finding out about having a form of Autism. He has a lot of demons he is dealing with as well. Last time we talked he told me he had an interest in an old mutual friend of ours and they dated for a little while. I had a feeling something like that was up. At the time he was talking to me like he didn’t want to get involved with me and he was afraid to tell me why. It was for the best really. I see that 100% now. I have not given him my most recent phone number. But I still keep tabs to make sure he is ok. I now accept that it was ok to let him go. That it was ok to love him for so long. That we are not suppose to be together. But I still have love for him and who we were at one point in time. He was a big one for me. As sad as it makes me to see who he has become in adulthood, I will always want to be around in some capacity.
The Ex, believe it or not he lives around the corner from me now. The girl he “left me for” a year or so ago got pregnant three months into their relationship, but left him when he quit his job and sat around for 7 of the 9 months of her pregnancy.His volatile temper flared and he started threatening her and her family on Facebook. It was like a soap opera that Claudia, Kyle and I could not stop reading. Now he is working again, they have settled arguments for the most part and they are co-parenting well. I had a little bit of a jealousy issue when she got pregnant, I must admit. But seeing everything unfold, I got over it pretty quick. One thing I can’t stand is a violent volatile dude. Super quick turn off. For the most part, he and I are friendly even after our nightmare of a break up. He was just here for dinner with the Smoker and I. We’re all pretty ok with how things ended up.
The Smoker and I are together. He has a car again which is very helpful for us both! He is working part time cleaning offices at night and running errands for his mother’s offices. He’s also still on disability, which looks like it will be permanent for him. So he has an income. That was the big reason for our break up 2 years ago. We have been together for a third time now, it will be a year in February. I have issues, he has issues. We are working on these issues. I can be tough on him. He can be opposing to me. For the most part, we have the past in the past. We have forgiven each other for our mistakes and indiscretions. The Smoker is pretty devoted to me and I him. Our current issues seem to be more about communicating and learning how to do it better with each other. We’re also started to discuss what we want in the next few years. Things feel good. I am working out my commitment issues, or trying to at least. We’re baby stepping our way to something better.
In conclusion, I guess rereading this was helpful. More reason for me to stay alive and keep going. Things are better then they have been in years. My career is making a shift into art and indie business, a huge deal for me. My life is getting closer to where it should be. I am starting to feel like a grown up. (Ok, I still smoke pot, but still, taking care of the rest as well!) Reasons for living. Reminders to myself. A reminder that I am not the vapid sexaholic I started as. I have evolved. Cheers to growth!
Biggigity Switch 