A Life Worth Wasting

Unless you have gone through something similar, for the most part no one knows what I deal with on a day to day basis. Not even The Smoker fully understands and he has been through most of this with me.

At this point I am living for the other people in my life. The infamous group “they” say that suicide is selfish. That it is not an option. You will go to Hell. The torment continues. Is that really true? Is it better that I go on suffering to make life easier for those that are too absorbed with their own pain to deal with someone else’s? 

I live day to day being just miserable. All of the medications I am suppose to be on I have no access to. I am part of the government system. I can’t afford them on my own. No insurance. Medicaid has run out. I don’t have any options left. I am diabetic. I am post Cancer. I had a full hysterectomy because of the Cancer. I have no to very little estrogen in me. My vagina is in constant pain, My body fights me. I can’t take any joy in food anymore, it’s killing me. Literally. I have constant yeast infections. I haven’t had sex with my boyfriend in weeks because it’s too painful for me.  I am at my wits end. 

All of the things in life I love have been taken from me. My hopes and dreams have been taken from me. I am in pain all of the time. But I live. Everyday more angry. Everyday more bitter. I live for these people that would have a few days of sadness and move on with their lives. I live for these people that really don’t understand what I need. 

Christmas just came and left. Everyone knows what I’ve been through. My fucking step mother gave me quite literally a tower of chocolate and sugar for Christmas. I’m fucking diabetic. You clearly did not think about me once during the holiday season and passed off some shit from your office holiday party to me as a gift, knowing full well this shit could kill me. This was what put it in my head.Just end it, no one else cares about your conditions – why should you?

Everyone in this country is a self absorbed piece of crap. Living day to day scrambling to get more shit more more more. Better phone / TV / car. Why live if you can’t have awesome shit. I can’t afford my rent. I got my awesome from Freecycle because I am fucking broke. Pre-cancer I lived in a car with the Smoker for a few weeks. Things were bad. Real bad. Then this Cancer happened. I prayed to God to please give me ten years. Enough time to start a family, make my peace with the people in my life – then I would go peacefully. I just wanted to do the few things I had dreamed of before I left this world. I worked with my oncologist to try and find some way to make it an option to have a baby. 

The hysterectomy came, my hormones went crazy. I went through estrogen withdraw. I felt wrong in my own body. I felt like a guy. An angry crazy guy. Some estrogen therapy helped. But I can no longer do any of that – money. American awesomeness disease. Gotta have gotta have, now now now. 

Somewhere in New Haven there is a lab with my frozen ovaries and uterus. For $7,000 they may be able to produce an egg and impregnate a carrier of my “child”. If I had $7,000 I would have done this. It was my one want in this life. A baby. A family. A home. A real home, not like the shit my mother gave me. 

Currently, I work three day jobs and run a small business on the side where I make and sell my shitty “art”. I barely make $7,000 in 6 months most of the time. This is how I have to live. I can’t work all of the time. But I work as often as I can. I kill myself physically for all of the awesome nothing that I have. Everyone thinks I am so happy. Such an inspiration. That girl, she went through Cancer and she is so strong. I’m not strong. I’m weaker then most of you. Emotionally and physically I have taken on more then I can handle and I want it to stop. Had I known this is what life would have been like for me I would NOT have done chemo or radiation. I would have made my peace with the people in my life then and there and let it go. My life is not better. My fight was not worth the aftermath. I still have nothing, except now I am told I am lazy. No one understands. The second you say Cancer Free people assume everything is all better, back to normal and LEAVE you. No one wants to hear about it anymore. 

In treatment they pump you full of this positivity and false hope. Life is such a precious gift, And it is, for those who have the ability to enjoy it. What they don’t tell you, this precious gift comes at a price. A price that may never go away. Mine never goes away. Shit, they never even bothered to take the port out of my fucking neck. What does that tell you?

The Hardest Hurt

Mr. Wonderful…

He’s such a fucking paradox. And he’s ripping my heart out of my chest. Here is this man who is so crazy about me, and so into me… that he can’t touch me.

Tonight I hit the ground so hard it’s not even funny. He hadn’t been feeling well. He said something to me about how he was sorry it wasn’t the night it should have been. I said it was fine and I hadn’t really expected anything.  That I know not to expect things. I think this came out of me wrong. I have been going to see Mr. W and kind of training myself not to expect sex so I wouldn’t feel let down if nothing physical happened between us. I know his sex drive is kind of low and that he’s kind of getting back into the swing of things in that department. But I think he heard I know you aren’t going to fuck me, so why bother.

This started some real hurt feelings between the both of us and things escalated. I didn’t cry, I stayed in control of my emotions and I thought things out as I was saying them, instead of just flying off the handle from a place of pain.

The last time we’d fooled around, it was incredible. It was last Thursday and we were very caught up in one another. He even said to me wait, I thought the last time we did something it was pretty great. I agreed. Yes! It was, but that was a week ago. We’ve been together for ONE MONTH and we’re down to fooling around once a week? Once a fucking week? Why am I starting to feel like I have to beg for it? This is the honeymoon stage where we’re suppose to go crazy and be wild and crazy in love. What happened!

I think the part that got to me is when Mr. Wonderful scared the shit out of me by saying he doesn’t really think about sex. Something to the effect of having to build the need for it. I sit here and think about touching him and being with him all of the time. He doesn’t think about that?  And my heart just snapped. I’m actually starting to cry just thinking about it. Am I that awful that he has to rev himself up to try and fool around with me. He has to think and focus his energy to WANT to touch me? I can’t take it. I can’t believe it. I just can’t fathom how he could be so in love with me and not want to have the intimacy that comes with it.

He makes these promises that kill me inside. Last time I saw him he said I promise the next time I see you, we’ll fool around. I was fine with that. When I heard it again tonight – not so fine. Tonight he said I promise I won’t sit in my arm chair anymore when you’re here – I only cuddle up in bed with you. But the thing is, he completely forgot that he made this promise to me once before. He’d said it one late night to me when we were having the same type of talk. I think it hurts so much because he is the one person in the world I want so badly to believe and trust.  Ugh, more tears, my heart hurts.

I wish he had this need that I have for him. I crave this man. I don’t think he gets that it is his intelligence and personality that makes me want to sleep with him, it’s him, all of him. He says he wants to show me how much he loves me, but he’s not sure how.

I spend my life living with 3 guys. Two of which are walking hard ons that have spent the last few years trying to find ways to get into my pants. I had no interest. I hated sex. I hated my Ex, who in the last 2 years started to slowly physically turn me off completely. I turned him down constantly begging him to stop asking for it. This relationship with Mr. Wonderful is starting to feel like my karma.

I’m going to be spending tomorrow with my very best friend Claudia. I think this is exactly what I need. I’m sure spending time with her will help tremendously. I need to not feel this heart ache now. It’s paralyzing, and I need to maintain the balance in my life. Oh Mr. Wonderful – if you are out there, please learn to show me love before you push me away.