Mr. Wonderful…
He’s such a fucking paradox. And he’s ripping my heart out of my chest. Here is this man who is so crazy about me, and so into me… that he can’t touch me.
Tonight I hit the ground so hard it’s not even funny. He hadn’t been feeling well. He said something to me about how he was sorry it wasn’t the night it should have been. I said it was fine and I hadn’t really expected anything. That I know not to expect things. I think this came out of me wrong. I have been going to see Mr. W and kind of training myself not to expect sex so I wouldn’t feel let down if nothing physical happened between us. I know his sex drive is kind of low and that he’s kind of getting back into the swing of things in that department. But I think he heard I know you aren’t going to fuck me, so why bother.
This started some real hurt feelings between the both of us and things escalated. I didn’t cry, I stayed in control of my emotions and I thought things out as I was saying them, instead of just flying off the handle from a place of pain.
The last time we’d fooled around, it was incredible. It was last Thursday and we were very caught up in one another. He even said to me wait, I thought the last time we did something it was pretty great. I agreed. Yes! It was, but that was a week ago. We’ve been together for ONE MONTH and we’re down to fooling around once a week? Once a fucking week? Why am I starting to feel like I have to beg for it? This is the honeymoon stage where we’re suppose to go crazy and be wild and crazy in love. What happened!
I think the part that got to me is when Mr. Wonderful scared the shit out of me by saying he doesn’t really think about sex. Something to the effect of having to build the need for it. I sit here and think about touching him and being with him all of the time. He doesn’t think about that? And my heart just snapped. I’m actually starting to cry just thinking about it. Am I that awful that he has to rev himself up to try and fool around with me. He has to think and focus his energy to WANT to touch me? I can’t take it. I can’t believe it. I just can’t fathom how he could be so in love with me and not want to have the intimacy that comes with it.
He makes these promises that kill me inside. Last time I saw him he said I promise the next time I see you, we’ll fool around. I was fine with that. When I heard it again tonight – not so fine. Tonight he said I promise I won’t sit in my arm chair anymore when you’re here – I only cuddle up in bed with you. But the thing is, he completely forgot that he made this promise to me once before. He’d said it one late night to me when we were having the same type of talk. I think it hurts so much because he is the one person in the world I want so badly to believe and trust. Ugh, more tears, my heart hurts.
I wish he had this need that I have for him. I crave this man. I don’t think he gets that it is his intelligence and personality that makes me want to sleep with him, it’s him, all of him. He says he wants to show me how much he loves me, but he’s not sure how.
I spend my life living with 3 guys. Two of which are walking hard ons that have spent the last few years trying to find ways to get into my pants. I had no interest. I hated sex. I hated my Ex, who in the last 2 years started to slowly physically turn me off completely. I turned him down constantly begging him to stop asking for it. This relationship with Mr. Wonderful is starting to feel like my karma.
I’m going to be spending tomorrow with my very best friend Claudia. I think this is exactly what I need. I’m sure spending time with her will help tremendously. I need to not feel this heart ache now. It’s paralyzing, and I need to maintain the balance in my life. Oh Mr. Wonderful – if you are out there, please learn to show me love before you push me away.
Biggigity Switch 