After tonight, I have decided that The Joker has moved up in my world, we will now be calling him: Mr. Wonderful.
My day started with a message from him that began “Hey gorgeous…” What a way to start my morning. I was already smiling. He asked me for my shirt size. I thought it was kinda weird. Turned out he bought me 2 t-shirts he thought were funny, thought I’d like them. Okay – so I am floored by this. It was so out of the blue and thoughtful.
I sent him little love notes all day. Made some jokes, had some fun. I loved it.
I talked to my mother, and I’ll be heading to my family’s for a few days as my grandfather goes through the 3rd round of chemotherapy. My grandfather has a form of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. It’s running through his entire blood stream, think anemia to the extreme. This dose of chemo will be the strongest and they will be including a new drug. I will probably be gone a few days and pooped out when I come home. No one cooks or cleans, my Gramps is too tired to do his laundry. The stress of taking this on again and thinking about my sister (who I have to wire money to today!) Made get sick this afternoon.
Mr. Wonderful will be slightly on hold while I take care of things. I’ll still talk to him, but mostly on the phone and online. I’m looking at this as a good thing. I think having the breathing room will be good for me, I’m going to try and work while I am there. I think in a weird way this will strengthen the foundation of what Mr. Wonderful and I are building.
My one big awkward moment in my other wise perfect day, was I cried in front of him. YUP! I cried in front of him. I am a crazy girl. It was like being some kind of weird alien who didn’t know social customs. I felt like I’d come from Loompaland and he was just staring at my big orange head. I don’t even remember how we got onto the subject. Mr. Wonderful and I have been fooling around, but he hasn’t orgasmed yet. This kind of concerns me, but at the same time he insists it’s no big thing and he is enjoying himself. The logical side of me chalks this up to the newness of us being together and nerves. The illogical side says it’s because he hasn’t really been with anyone since his ex wife. Maybe there is still some feelings there. I’m fighting with myself so hard to stay strong. I immediately start to shut off. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore…it’s going to make me cry.”
He convinces me to talk about it anyways. The tears are running down my face. I feel like a total baby. I feel this twinge of hurt in my chest. Why? It is way too soon for me to be crying. And to be crying about someone who isn’t even a thing – and hasn’t been for so long! But that scared part of me emerged, silently saying please, please don’t tell me it’s because of that. Please only want me. Can’t you see, I only want you? I have it so bad for this man. I have just let myself be so honest with him – I can’t take the rejection.
So we talk about that. He reassured me that he was 100% in it with me. That he hadn’t thought of her like that in a very long time. That he only thinks about me. that the real problem is HIS fear of rejection. That the divorce really rocked him. But that he is happier now then he has been in years. He said he’s slowly working through it, and he couldn’t do it without me. His face looked so sad.
In retrospect, I think a big part of my knee jerk reaction stems from being treated like crap for the past 3 years. In the matter of days, I have been treated better by Mr. Wonderful than I have been by, well, mostly everyone I have ever been with. The thought of that disappearing was unnerving.
Ultimately, I think there are things in me that I need to start letting go of. I think this is my shot at getting it right. And that won’t happen if I can’t just accept it.
Biggigity Switch 