As you can tell I wasn’t entirely successful in my whole I am going to avoid the internet vow. I did pretty well considering. I did things today that made me happy. I bought a new pair of shoes and some new panties. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I made some new Playlists to listen to. The only time I went online was to check my email and to promote an interview I did for another blog. Oh and to post this! So, overall, I did good.
I did not entirely stop myself from talking to The Joker. I think that was a bad move on my part that only fueled his anger today. It seemed as though when I did try and chat with him I’d walked into the middle of a shit storm. So I avoided him. I will probably continue to avoid him for a bit.
I am in that weird nervous stage. I can’t relax because I don’t know if The Joker and I will end up together or not. It makes me a little twitchy to think about it. I want to be with him, because I can’t get him off my mind. But it very much so feels like it si against my better judgement. A big part of me just wants to forget about him all together. No more drama, no more distractions from what I should be focusing on – me and my “career”. Most importantly, it would eliminate possibilities of hurt.
I act very tough. I talk a big talk outwardly to people. But inside I know that the real problems in relationships for me is that I am way too sensitive. I act tough because I am a raw nerve. I hurt so easily and when I do it is just easier to get mad and hold a grudge than to feel the pain. I open my heart and forget that not everything said and done is not personal or geared toward me.
I am saying all this because in that 2 minute moment where I talked to the Joker, I immediately felt hurt that he wasn’t happy to talk to me. My mind KNOWS it was not my fault he was upset, it was completely outside of my control. My heart however flies out my chest only to run into traffic and get run over.
Ugh, why can’t I just be normal. Why can’t I cool it on liking this guy and NOT feel like an internet stalker!
“Possession”
by Sarah McLachlan
Listen as the wind blows
from across the great divide,
Voices trapped in yearning,
memories trapped in time,
The night is my companion
and solitude my guide,
Would I spend forever here
and not be satisfied?
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Through this world I’ve stumbled
so many times betrayed,
Trying to find an honest word,
to find the truth enslaved,
Oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhyme
My body aches to breathe your breath,
you words keep me alive,
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander,
it’s morning that I dread,
Another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread,
Oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride,
Nothing stands between us here
and I won’t be denied
And I would be the one
to hold you down,
kiss you so hard,
I’ll take your breath away
and after I’d wipe away the tears,
Just close your eyes dear
Biggigity Switch 