Radiation, DONE!

Yesterday was my last radiation treatment. Yay!!!! For some reason I really down played it. I had no idea what to expect going into it. As treatment continued I found myself feeling more rundown and exhausted. I talked to co-workers and friends about it. I talked to other patients about it. I quickly figured out why I had down played it so much. My own naivety. I never researched anything. My oncologist said it will be short and painless. Okay doc, I’ll report for duty!

My treatments were done internally, vaginally. It was humiliating. I am 32 and am a cancer survivor of stage four endometrial cancer. It’s a cancer of the uterus. I am the youngest person ever seen at Yale with this condition. It’s usual senior ladies that get this disease, when sexual activity has ceased. Radiation treatment done in this way causes: vaginal dryness and irritation, tearing, bleeding, itchiness, and it could also burn the area being radiated. Radiation as a whole tends to make you feel real run down and tired. So lump all of those symptoms together, add in a lack of estrogen and you get the chaos that is my body at the moment. Needless to say, I am struggling.

I think the hardest thing I dealt with was the drop in my estrogen. Chemo made all of my hair all over my body fall out. It’s all started growing back. But with my hair shorter then it’s been in years, and all of the weird feelings I started to crack up. I am still having issues with feeling feminine. I am going to speak with a therapist today about it. I started feeling like I was having gender identity issues. my oncologist started me on anti-depressants. They help a bunch, but I need to do the mental work now.

I also took an extreme amount of time off from work. I have been afraid of going back. My co-workers have been wonderfully sweet and sensitive about it. I don’t know why I am so afraid of going back.My boss hired a new girl to fill in whenever he or want time off and to help me take the time out that I need. I was upset at first, but now relieved he’s hired more help. I like the idea of being able to take a weekend off now and then, something I was completely unable to do before.

But the one thing that has really made me feel better has been making things again. I love crafting! I started a new etsy shop and am trying to work up to doing craft shows again. I’ve been making vintage inspired jewelry and knits. It feels so good to design something and see it come to fruition. It’s also been a great way for me to relax and center my emotions and sexual urges since that won’t be happening for some time.

So I guess things will be getting better now that radiation is over! Maybe life won’t be so hard. I am hoping that the side effects don’t always feel like they do today. They could last as long as 2 years. But whose counting, right? I am going to do my best to work through yet another bump in the road. Some days are easier, some are a fight. My oncologist said, just get through the next 4 years. I’m trying. One baby step at a time.

Radiation, DONE! What’s next?

Having Cancer

So I have Cancer.

Endomitriosis, which is cancer of the uteran lining and uterus itself. Particles of this traveled in my blood stream and spread to my lungs and my right breast. I had my first round of chemo therapy before I was discharged from the hospital. On November 11th I will begin round two. This will go on for about six months. In that time I can not have sex, I will lose my hair and at some point will have to have a hysterectomy. Right now I am strong. But this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I am sure there will be break downs along the way.

The Cancer is aggressive. It spreads quickly. The chemo is suppose to be aggressive as well. It will hit my body hard. So far it hasn’t been too too bad. But I am scared. I don’t want to die. I have so much unfinished business left in this world. I am trying to spend my good days taking care of those things.

One thing I am currently working on is my relationship with my father. I have moved in with him, and he, my stepmother Mari and my little sister Rose along with my step grandparents have been taking care of me. It’s kind of a shame that it took something of this magnitude to bring me back to the fold. I have mentioned in previous posts that in my effort to have a solid relationship with Mr. Wonderful, I wanted to work things out with my father. So far I have.

Having this time with my Dad has been kind of amazing. I needed this. I have been closer to him now than I think I ever have been. We talked about everything. I told him how I felt about our rocky years, how it took me 15 years to forgive him for not being in my life while I was growing up. As an adult I understand now. My mother lied to me about him abandoning me. She had actually picked up and moved away from him when I was about 4 or 5. She did what she thought was best for me. And considering that back then my father was a junkie and a drunk, she probably did the right thing. Now my father is a good man. He is a great father to my little sister Rose. I see that now. Now he has the capability of being a great father to me as well. I guess I never realized how much I needed that from him. We are healing as a family.

The downside of all of this is the distance factor I have now from Mr. Wonderful. My father lives almost an hour away from where Mr. Wonderful. I can’t drive and Mr. W doesn’t have a working vehicle right now. So we have only been seeing each other once or twice a week. I miss him something awful. Going through this with him has really shown me what an incredible man he is. I love him all the more for it. It also shows me just how right he is for me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I don’t think I have ever loved anyone or been as emotionally close to anyone as I am to him right now. I am so thankful to have him. I don’t ever want to be without him.

I have so much more to fix in my life. So many things I need to do. If I survive this, I am going to make sure that every person in my life knows how much I love them. I have made a list and one by one I plan on making things right. Just in case.