1995 just came back to me. Senses, taste and smell. 1995 again. I was 15 going on 16. I fell in love for the first time with a blonde haired blue eyed boy named Pat. He had a short haired Kurt Cobain look. He went to private school. He was moody and depressed, he played a white Fender guitar and painted melancholy pictures in his room. He made me laugh and cry alternately on a regular basis. I was hopelessly in love with him. Teenage love can never be replicated.
The song Glycerine by Bush popped on randomly on my cable radio station for alternative. Maybe it’s because I happen to be wearing vintage flannel. But everything just came flooding back to me.
Pat making me mix tapes. Deep kisses that tasted like old gum. His scruffy face because I once said I thought the rugged look was sexy. Making out to Nirvana. Fighting over what was better, the Seattle boy bands or Riot Grrl bands.
Deeper than that… Pat was my first boyfriend, make out, sexual activity everything except actual penetration. We were so desperate to see each other more then the once or twice a month his parents allowed for us to. He eventually started taking his father’s Jeep and breaking into my house to be with me at night. I thought it was terribly romantic. We would stay up late and talk about getting married. We’d sneak off to McDonalds. It eventually lead us to more and more activity late at night to try and be together, that inevitably – got us caught. First a cop pulled us over. Then a cop on the way home. Then cops at my house. More waiting at his. My grandparents forced me to break up with him and I was thrown out of the house a few days later. After I tried to steal there car, crashed it and ran to his house to hide until morning. Something soon came that I deeply regretted for years to come, ratting out Pat and breaking up with him. My grandparents drew the line in the sand. I couldn’t be with him and a part of the family.
This song brought all of that back. Another could’ve been. Only in the Reader would I duplicate that feeling. It’s funny to think back on. The girl he went with after me ended up being his longtime girlfriend he married. I use to think about how awful I was for doing that, that could have been me.
But at the same time, I believe things happen for a reason. I am waxing poetic on this perhaps because my soon to be 15 year old sister thinks she is in love. She and her boyfriend have been together for 3 years. They are starting to explore things and it worries me. I want her to come to me with this stuff. At the same time it is FUCKING TERRIFYING. Her growing up is unavoidable. My fear comes from her having a similar stigma. If my dad finds out, he may force them to split up or stop seeing each other. Sooner or later, she’ll get caught doing something sexual and it won’t be pretty. At this point, my parents think she’s not doing any of that. I unfortunately know the truth of the matter. I hope history doesn’t ironically repeat itself.
Glycerine.
Biggigity Switch 