I have had it with my personal fucking pity party. Night after night, day after disgusting day. I sit here barely working, barely creating, barely getting by. Just sad and wasting precious moments. Too sick to deal with day to day life and living in fear. I cancel everything and when I do show I pretend that everything is fine. I am sick and tired of being alone and afraid 99% of my life. What is the fucking point. And I know I have said this before but again – I didn’t beat the shit out of Cancer to live like this.
I have had an exceptionally bad few days. I’m not even going to discuss it because it’s so fucking lame. More blah blah I’m sad and white and no one loves me crap. Boo effin hoo.
Today I did nothing but lay around my apartment covered in blankets and feel sorry for myself. What I should have been doing is finding other ways to get myself and my business out there to make some money. January has been terrible, and I need some funds like… now. Or my rent won’t be paid this month.
SO, I had pizza because I felt like shit, which made me feel so much worse. Then I dragged my pizza pussy down to the main street to do some errands, got a protein shake and smoked way too much pot. I came home while The Smoker ran to do some work shit and I just got mad at myself. Stop being so fat and stupid! I have such stupid American problems. Like I’m not living in some dirty third world country dying, starving and eating out of a trash can or getting raped because I’m female or something equally awful. I am a white girl, with a nice place to live and for the most part self sustaining. No baby daddy’s, no drama. I don’t have a car, but I do pretty ok otherwise. I need to get over myself.
So I did some searching around and sent some messages out to friends. I entered my work into a juried show for the first time ever. I mainly make vintage inspired jewelry. (I am an accessory designer and freelance assistant to small buisness and artists by trade.) But I have found some success this year with making handmade angel wings. Like a costume or photo prop. I found a wing themed show and entered. Then I sent a message to a friend who owns a shop and said I’d like to bring some of my stuff down to sell. We set a date for Saturday. THEN I called my friend Shy and scheduled him to come and do some work with me tomorrow. I have a little online shop aside from my accessories, where I sell my destash jewelry and craft supplies for some extra money. Shy has been helping me with that so I can focus on my main biz of creating. I have a box full of things waiting to be listed and sold that I have been too busy to deal with. Those supplies could be generating income for me.
Then I followed all of that up by having a much needed chat with the mural artist client I have been working for that has been a bit distracted in our work together. I am glad I finally said something. That clearly needed to happen. She apologized to me and we are back on track for the most part. We also set a date for my next payment from her. I feel much better about that whole thing now.
I feel like I did something. I need to accomplish things before I snap and blow my brains out like some psycho. I know I can be better then this. I beat fucking Cancer. I can beat this too. I refuse to accept the diagnosis of bipolar or agoraphobic anymore. I know there is more to me then this.
Tomorrow’s goal – get more things made, work with Shy, and start my diabetic juice cleanse for a week to 10 days and see how I do. My goal is to continue to bring down my blood sugar and maybe lose some weight while I’m at it. The Smoker brought me a Vita Mixer and Juicer this week and his Mom sent me some vegetables to get started. I have to admit I was shocked by her gesture of support and good faith. Maybe she has some personal goals for 2014 too.
Fuck this depression shit. Tomorrow here I come!
Biggigity Switch 