The Cycle

I quit smoking pot. It’s been about 3 weeks now. I don’t necessarily feel as great as I thought I should. Not remembering things better or feeling that much clearer to be honest. But I felt good about my decision. After a friend came and stayed for the weekend and smoked constantly, I started feeling kind of pathetic. Like this is what I am doing with the middle of my life? Just smoking and stuffing my face until I feel worse?

The Smoker quit with me. He had been selling, that didn’t go so great as he was the only dealer I’ve ever known that didn’t seem to be able to deal. No one was buying. So we both agreed to say done with this. We both agreed maybe we are so out of shape because we smoke a bunch and then eat a bunch. And we’re never picking healthy things. Just whatever seems to be the closest and quickest. 

Since quitting we’ve been eating better, working out. We started the diet thing about 2 months ago. Now we are hiking almost daily for hours. I have never been a nature person, but lately I LOVE it! He’s lost about 30 – 40 pounds. I’ve lost about 20 – 30. It started really coming off once we stopped smoking. I just feel better knowing I am making the right choices for my body. 

The downside, I have been sick for about three weeks now as well. A coldy flu thing that just never seemed to go away. Even with pills and his mom doctor trying to help. This has worried me a bit. My immune system isn’t fighting this thing off. My wheels turn and I fear, what if the Cancer has come back? I’m tired all of the time. Sweaty all the time. Stuffy, coughing. It doesn’t seem right.

Today was a big blow in our relationship. The Smoker’s mother called him. She wanted pot. Which he said he is no longer messing with. And just like that he turned on a dime. Didn’t even consider what I had to say and ran right out to help mommy. He’s been gone for 3 hours. 

My honest reaction is FUCK. I know once it comes back into the house, he’ll start smoking. I am kind of weak to things like this. I know once he starts, I’ll start. I am so mad. His mom had quit because of the Smokers brother. He had some serious addiction issues over the past few years. It started with weed and progressed until he was eventually smoking fucking crack. He has been sober for about a year now. He gets sober and is successful. Then his mom starts smoking weed and he does. It always progresses to harder shit. The same cycle every fucking time for like 10 years now. And now she’s pulling them both down with her.

I hate this about his family. It was one of the huge things that broke us up the last time. She should know better. She’s not some white trash junkie. She is a prominent doctor with two successful practices. And two grown ass men children that are completely dependent on her and turn to drugs every time she does. It makes me mad. How does no one else see this!?! Why did my boyfriend give in so quickly! Why couldn’t he have been stronger. 

If I am being brutally honest, I would leave right now if I could. But ever since i got sick, i have been way to dependent on him. He has a car, I don’t. There is NO form of public transportation around here. And Cancer left me with thousands of dollars of debt. And I was double insured at the time. I also now work for his mom. Which is going to make things so much worse. I see trouble on the horizon. I am already disgusted and desperate to pull away. That trapped feeling, it’s back. I am fighting myself to stop myself from emotionally indulging in crap to feel better.