Revive

A lot has happened since I last complained about life and about Mick. Mick is no more. I never heard from him again. I never bothered to try and contact him again. If I ever heard from him I think I’d start laughing at this point. What a jerk!

I still haven’t had a job interview that results in a job. I’m applying and get interviews and all that. Just nothing has happened. I’m going to keep working at it! There has got to be something out there for me.

I’ve started talking to someone new. We met in person yesterday after talking for like 2 weeks on the phone and Facetime. I’m not sure what is going to happen. He’s very sweet and caring. But he also has a disability, he had a stroke several years ago and sometimes it effects his understanding. For the most part we communicate well. BUT I have noticed he kind of acts like…. a clingy boyfriend.

He has already dropped an L bomb, to which I responded that I was in no way ready for that. He understood. He wants a lot of reassurance that I like him. He wants to wait to have sex. He has asked me about ghosting and shit like that. I also let him know I don’t ghost, because of the Mick situation. Honesty is best right?

So I’m not 100% which way this is going to go with the new guy. I like him a lot. But I’m hoping he can trust that I like him, and relax a little bit.

The Rise of the Most Pathetic of All the Losers

Pathetic Loser strikes again! After alllllllll that and our bullshit lie of a date, he ghosted me again. Oh, and this time he blocked and unfriended me on Facebook. I have no clue what is up with this douche. I have no clue what prompted him to go this far. I sent him one text saying Have a good day, when he went back to work. He read it, no response. I sent a second one 4 days later saying good luck with his big “cancer” doctor’s appointment. He never read it and this is where I think I was blocked.

This whole thing has been happening since October. So fuck Mick Jagger. Fuck the Ghoster. Fuck the PATHETIC OF ALL THE LOSERS! LOSER! Ugh! I can not believe this is the way a fucking 45 year old man acts. Like a fuck boi. See ladies, you can be any age and still run into these douche lords. For some men, it never stops!

What kills me is if he had said to me I’m looking for something more casual, I would have been fine with that! I’m getting divorced! I wasn’t trying to be all romantical in a relationship. I just wanted a lover or someone to date. I was looking for mutual respect. I got lies, lies and more lies. So stupid! We’re adults! I was not begging to be this guy’s girlfriend. And yet here I am broken hearted because I let someone fuck me while they lied to my face.

I can’t believe all the begging and apologizing he did! What the fuck for?!? To get laid one last time? To put on a big performance for who exactly? I have mad respect for men who say what they mean and mean what they say. If I want to hook up I’ll use Tinder or go to a bar or something. UGH. It just makes me so mad to have been mind fucked so hard by this fucking guy!

In other news, I am working on getting the green out of my hair. I am ready for new hair. I am going to eventually try a color called Mystic Heather which is a lovely pinky purple I think will be so nice for Spring. I am anticipating it taking some time getting the green out of the ends of my hair. I’m using cheap shampoo to strip it naturally. Cheap ones that run around .99 tend to strip the color and oils out easily. Then I shampoo and condition with a lovely keratin product and let the conditioner sit in my hair for as long as I can stand. It’s all working. My hair is already much lighter.

Depression Rising

Today is a day where I am sort of struggling to hold it together. I haven’t heard from Mick since our date almost a week ago. I feel like shit about that. Because I believed everything he said about talking more and spending more time together. I am starting to develop feelings for Mick. So this kind of sucks. My current theory is that he is commitment-phobic. That he really means what he says, but freaks about getting close to me.

I still have no job. I make money from my business, but in order to afford an apartment, I need at least a part-time job. Which means I have no way to save to move out right now.

I also still need to come up with the next $360 to divorce the Smoker. That’s a whole thing in itself! I’m trying to catch up on our bills and there just never seems to be enough left over! ARG!

I feel like a loser just drowning right now. I know all of this takes time, but GEEZ! I just want to hibernate for weeks.

Depression is my new boyfriend.

Triumphant

Well, to my surprise, I spent the whole day with Mick yesterday. It was nice. We watched a movie, went out to run a quick errand, ordered pizza and just hung out. He hugged and kissed me nonstop. He also explained more about his past and previous relationships. How he’s dealing with being newly diagnosed as bipolar, and the possibility of having some kind of Cancer. Everything was true. While I was there he was getting phone calls from doctor’s offices and making preparations to be out of work for a few days to deal. He put them on speaker while he looked around for things and I heard everything.

I like Mick. I don’t know what will happen between us, but I like where things are going. I like that he really has been being honest with me. I like how he treated me. Before I left he said he wants to do a real date next time. That he thinks we should talk more often on the phone and see each other more frequently. That he has been bad with communicating with me and my getting angry about it made him realize it.

So we’ll take it slow and see where we end up. Probably doesn’t help that I slept with him twice yesterday. LOL! But you know, my version of slow probably includes sex. So slutever on that.

This Mother Fucker Part 3 : The Return of Mick

So I am Airpodding my way through my sadness. I get a Facebook message from Pathetic Loser. It says I’m Sorry. I ignore it. I get a text from him, it says I’m sorry. Another Facebook message “I overslept and then got upset and I’m sorry.” He keeps messaging me. I finally say Then why do you keep blowing me off?

He starts saying please text me. We need to talk, etc. He apologizes again and again and says he’s so sorry. That all of these things really did happen. That if anything he’s nervous to let me in, which I completely understand. He says he really is having health problems, he really did get called into work and he really did oversleep. So after more apologizing, I agree, I will meet him tomorrow. If he blows me off again, then we are done for real. I will delete him completely from my life. No more chances.

Then he calls me and we talk for close to an hour. Things felt good. I feel like I still have my guard up quite a bit, but it was a pleasant conversation.

So is this the grand gesture and the triumphant return of Mick Jagger? Or is this going to be the heartbreaking return of Pathetic Loser? My heart is beating like a mile a minute right now.

I swear if he blows me off again I’m going to call him and give him a piece of my mind.

What if he doesn’t blow me off? What do I do then? My whole angry tirade was because I really like this guy and I have real feelings developing. If we actually see each other…. I can see a spark fanning into a flame.

This whole thing is just bonkers! Bonkers I tell you!

The Soundtrack to Heartbreak

So I am nursing my double broken heart today. As January approaches I am getting closer to D-Day with the Smoker. D-ivorce. I’ll have the money to get this going in early January. I’m also dealing with the final fallout with Pathetic Loser. I haven’t regretted telling him fuck this shit. But I am super sad that he didn’t even try to muster an excuse or make any kind of gesture or speak to me at ALL. Which really is just like the final lack of respect for me. But why the fuck do I still like him? I feel like I’m retraining my brain to not think about him anymore. It sucks.

So I got a new pair of AirPods today and I am just relentlessly rocking my break-up playlist.

Highlights include:

Sorry – Beyonce

Gives You Hell – The All-American Rejects

Breaking Up Slowly – Lana Del Rey & Nikki Lane

I’m Sick of You – The Stooges

Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Don’t Hurt Yourself – Beyonce & Jack White

Break My Heart – Dua Lipa

This Mother Fucker Part 2

Well, here it is. Another day and another planned date with Mick, and what a fucking shock, this mother fucker stood me up AGAIN. THREE TIMES this guy has disappeared on me. I was supposed to meet him at 9am. Text number one at 8am from me, just saying hey and that I’m running a little behind. My message is read. I send a second message like 30 minutes later saying I’m getting in the shower, haven’t heard from him. Did he still want to do this?

He doesn’t read it. He doesn’t respond.

I wait.

10:00 still unread and no response. I finally just have the conversation with myself. This has been three times. I don’t like this. I don’t like the way this guy is treating me. He’s hung up on me, no call no show, he never seems to give a shit about my time or my feelings. How can he possibly like me?!? And then it occurs to me, hello, maybe I’m like the practice girl! I’m the piece of ass before the girlfriend comes along. Even if I’m not, the way I feel is not ok.

SO I texted him. Around 10:30 I sent a text and I plainly said Fuck this shit. You’re clearly not that into me. Then I deleted it from my texts so I couldn’t spy and wait to see how long it was until he read it. I haven’t heard a word from this Mick mother fucker. So we are again crowning him The Ghoster, The Pathetic Loser.

I know no one is perfect, but jesus, I feel like I was more than fair here. Not one word. Not one! Which really only goes to prove my point that he couldn’t have been all that into me. Fucker. Twat. Stupid piece of turd. Now I gotta pick up the pieces again and nurse yet another broken heart from this jerk. JERK JERK JERK.

I’ll be fine soon enough. But maybe tomorrow I’ll take it easy and focus on me. Heal. I can’t believe I gave him so many chances…. sad face.

This Mother Fucker Right Here

Well since I last posted things have gotten…. weird.

The Smoker is still laid up with an injured leg. His leg was gangrenous. He has been visiting wound care at the hospital. Luckily, they didn’t have to cut anything. His diabetes is under control and he is on the mend. We are still getting divorced. I paid to have a divorce place draw up our divorce papers and have since received them. Now I just need to get the next $360 together to actually file. As soon as I do it’s a done deal.

I’ve been continuing to talk to Mick Jagger aka Pathetic Loser aka The Ghoster. Things started to get comfortable between us again and we made a date. He got called into work so our date was canceled. We made a new date for tonight. I was very excited because I was going to his place for the first time. Things started to feel like they were going somewhere. Today I hear from him around noon that he’s at the doctor’s and he’s scared. I’m like what’s going on? So he calls me and tells me he has a lump in his right breast, he’s taking a week off from work to deal with it.

Now this is serious. But I’ve also seen enough Catfish to know that sometimes people create scenarios in which sympathy is created to bail on stuff. I don’t know if that is the case here. I don’t know Mick well enough to determine if he is that kind of guy. I’m also having feelings of total straight fear. Mick knows I am a Cancer survivor. no one knows better than me what chemo can be like at its worst (I was stage 3, endometrial, breast, and lung cancer.) So I am also terrified for Mick. It’s very confusing.

Only time will tell what is really going on. I feel like such an asshole even saying that.

The Guilt

The Smoker is coming home from the hospital today. I have to say I am really feeling the guilt. I am going to stay long enough to get him back on his feet again. But I still want a divorce. I am very angry with him. He spent a lot of time lying to me and his mom about what was really wrong with him. Turns out he is diabetic and it took him being on verge of leg amputation (yup it was that bad) for him to tell us anything was wrong. Luckily, no cutting is necessary and his body is on the mend.

The doctors said he will need a lot of aftercare. A visiting nurse will be coming to show me how to care for his leg and help him while he heals. He took care of me while I was sick during our marriage and before. Although I do have to admit I am still angry with him for cheating on me while I went through Cancer. I am still unsure of whether or not what I did was cheating, I think I am just feeling guilty. It’s not like I hid anything from him. And he did ask me not to tell him when and if I was seeing anyone.

I have been talking to Mick since he messaged me. We’ve managed to work things out for the most part. But I am still unsure if I want to see him again. I’m not sure if I trust him to not screw me over again.

I am still very focused on my career and finding the right position for me. I am waiting to hear about a second interview for one job, and just finished a bunch of online testing for another. I also put my name into the temp agency I just finished the last gig for. Fingers crossed something comes along. The right something.

Scary Evening

The Smoker went to the hospital in an ambulance this evening. He has a very very infected wound on his leg that just started gushing blood. He will be in the hospital for a few days. I am home taking care of our dogs and home. Because of COVID I wasn’t able to ride in the ambulance with him or go to the hospital to see him.

So i am home alone and a little tipsy. I have been talking to the Smoker intermittenly. Also talking to the Pathetic Loser….